Self Expression Magazine

Purpose

Posted on the 06 November 2019 by Laurken @stoicjello

In the strictest, most vulgar terms, we are shit with out it.

I am told to find purpose….create it.    But as each day goes by and I make every effort to forge ahead with orders to blog regularly,  I find it boring.

So boring.

I started this blog on March 31, 2007.   Twelve long years ago.  I knew nothing about blogs, but a friend suggested I start one to  keep my name “out there”, to stay creative, to stave off boredom and stay positive when hordes of letters of rejection letters stick out of my mailbox like a huge pet porcupine who’d gone both feral and federal. .

I’d lost yet another, not because of anything I did,  .     Its own industry fragged it.    Killed by the unfriendliest of friendly fire.    Add to that budget cuts.   Boring content.    No ratings.   Talent that was bored stiff and overworked and underpaid with no managerial support and  surrounded by inexperienced assholes in positions of decision making.

I was very lucky to have retired early and I even sneaked out of numerous jobs hours before I was supposed to leave.    I couldn’t wait to exit those ugly doors of .  dread for the last time.    All in the name of avoidance.     No silly parties, no fake sentiment in goodbyes.     Broadcasting forces many diverse  people be together.   If you can stand each other while working under the same roof, you’re lucky.  If you can still remain friendly after the goddamn roof has caved in, you’re a biblical miracle.     I’ve kept a few friends, only one I talk to with any regularity.   Others I talk to infrequently.    There’s no specific  reason why, other than  the industry you just don’t have that much in common.   Or you can’t handle their  misplaced narcissism…nor they yours.

Or so many people you loved and respected have died.  Drugs, heart attacks, cancer, drink, strokes, suicide brought on by depression, or if you stay in the business long enough, Dementia and Alzheimer’s take them from you.    You take it personally, you know?

I just can’t keep  doing this.   My blog was even named one of the 100 Funniest in America just last week, a few days after restarting this blog it had been  shut down since the 2016 election.     But Something is missing.  I think it’s me.  I’m absent in my own presence.  . Hell, I don’t know if I’m still longer funny…..orvI don’t feel funny.   Admission:    half the blogs I’ve posted since restarting, I wrote ten years ago and spent a few minutes updating them.   That’s nit fair to you nor is it proper rehab for my frayed neural pathways.   Not onky that,  I have few readers, no one comments.   I’m spinning my wheels.    I don’t do this for the feedback, well, not 100%.   It would be nice to hear from people, but some days I only have three readers.  I had thousands ten years ago,  but motivation, the need, the desire, the ego just aren’t there. 

I don’t know if I don’ feel funny anymore, or if I’m depressed or lazy.  Unmotivated, or completely lacking purpose.

Purpose.

I’ve  got to find some before the lack of it becomes critical.   And I fear it can.   Oh,  I’ll still post on occasion,  but not as much.   Not until I’m better at  handling this extremely inconvenient  MS.

Or unless some dumbasses do something stupid in Washington.

Then, it’s on, baby.    It’s on.     And I will use $.50 words and a my patented dollar-fifty logic when I do.

Stay groovy.     I’ll be back.   Eventually.


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