I think I’m done
I think I’ve felt like a failure for enough of my life, to bow out now and end it on my terms before letting it get the better of me
I’m lost and broken, wanting to hurt to feel something other than the hollow nothingness that deafens my every waking moment
What do you do when the one thing you thought would occupy the rest of your life, is suddenly out of reach?
I’m doing the only thing I know how to do in times like these, run, hide and sabotage. Because if life doesn’t want to give me the happily ever after, then this charade I’ve kept up for years is now over and it’s time to go back to the chaos and self deprecating journey to boundless emptiness. It welcomes me with open arms, beckoning me in, offering me to sip from the devils cup and ruin everything I thought I deserved.
I always used to say, how can anyone love me if my own mother can’t?
Now it feels like some twisted joke, that the unconditional love a parents has for a child is once again too far from my reach and nothing I can do will bring it closer. We all know marriages fail, friendships falter but the one constant you can count on is the love between a child and parent – or at least that was my intention.
But no, not today, not for me. Instead I’ll contemplate all the ways my unhappiness has risen, all the times I’ve counted he should have left me when I told him to, all the days in which I feel unfulfilled and unsure on how to go on. For he is simple, easy to love and deserving of the best. He didn’t sign up for the crazy emotional turmoil that has been my constant gift as a wife.
He still has the chance to find that happily ever after, to make that child that I know he’ll always believe exists in some place and time, just not with me.
And then what does that mean for our vows? For the promises I made that I can no longer fulfil? Is it all null and void, a poor barter that demands cessation of any further agreement?
It feels like it does, like it’s all done now. Like we gave it our best shot, but one of us was unable to fulfill their end and so that’s that.
Beyond this, he’ll find love, he’ll find purpose and promise. But for me, I’ll find emptiness and loneliness, wondering what the point of any of it was for. It’s almost been 33 years and yet I find myself wondering what it’s been for and what else I can possibly fail at moving forward, before I finally give in and give up.
How do you go on, when the one purpose of your existence is no longer viable? When the one thing you through would undo all her hurt and trauma and would prove you learned from her mistakes, is no longer going to happen?
What is any of it for, if I can’t do the one thing I feel like he counted on me for? The one thing I promised over and over again. The one thing I should have known I would never be lucky enough to provide.
Advertisement
