I’ve been in a very contemplative/weird head space lately. This weekend, we attended a funeral for my uncle’s daughter (a daughter from a previous marriage so not technically my cousin). She was in her 30s, married with a small child, and had been fighting with leukemia for a several years. A week ago, she lost her fight.
Witnessing the loss of such a vibrant, young life is enough on its own to throw your beliefs into disarray, but what made this situation even more upsetting was that my father struggled with leukemia around the same age. Instead of spending the last couple days debating about how any God, much less my God, could take away such a promising, loved woman, I’ve been trying to figure out the fairness of God.
My father’s situation shares many parallels with Mel’s. He was diagnosed with leukemia when he had two young children (so young, in fact, that neither my brother nor I even remember). He very easily could have been taken from us. I could have grown up without a father and without another brother (my little brother hadn’t been born yet). But for some reason, my family and my father were spared that fate. He was lucky enough to be diagnosed with a fairly curable form of leukemia and was able to recover. Some might say that it was a miracle or that he was saved by the grace of God.
When I think about my father being “saved” now, I instantly think of Mel and her family, for she surely deserved to be saved as well. Her son deserves to have his mother, just as much as my brother and I deserved to have our father. How is it fair that I got to grow up with both my parents, but her son won’t? And more importantly, how am I supposed to see God in that? The same gracious, loving God that cured my Dad, let Mel and so many others just slip away.
I’ve been spending the last few days just wracking my brain trying to make sense of it all, but it was all in vain. I sit here just as demystified as I was before.
I believe in God. I believe in His timing. I believe in His love. I believe in His healing presence. And I trust Him.
But even though I believe in Him and trust Him, I am still from time to time baffled by Him.
I’ll never come to understand why some people are spared and others are not. So for now, I’ll simply say rest in peace Mel, whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him (Thessalonians 5:10).