I've struggled since 2009 with a chronic back pain condition that can leave me feeling emotionally isolated and upset. Writing it down here or anywhere else seems a little silly, mostly because whilst I suffer with chronic pain, it isn't going to kill me. There are so much more worse things in the world and I sort of feel like I'm complaining and I really don't want to do that because I'm so so grateful for my health, I really am.
I think I just wanted to share how I feel because I'm a little frustrated.. and I think I'm allowed to be frustrated at my spine and the muscles in my back who apparently don't know how to behave themselves. After nearly seven years, I'm no longer frustrated at having this horrible pain in my back, I've accepted that. I'm no longer frustrated about not being able to do certain jobs for work - I accepted that long ago and have been lucky enough to carve out a working opportunity of my own where I can stop working when the pain gets too much to and where I no longer have to feel guilty for being in pain when it comes to working with others.
The only thing that now frustrates me about living with this chronic back pain condition is that I feel like it at times can affect the type of Mother I am to my boys. One example being that I am rarely able to sit down on the floor and play with my boys for more than two minutes at a time without paying for it for hours afterwards. I also often struggle to carry my six month old, just as I did his brother. And getting my boys in and out of the car leaves me feeling broken. I sometimes have moments where my shoulder blades crippled in pain force exhaustion on me and I have to take my boys up to bed with me during the day so I can just lay there for a while.
I'm 27 now and I wonder what life will be like when I'm 37 or 47 or 57 or even older. I guess that despite my can-do attitude, I do sometimes worry about it.
I feel a little silly for writing this, but I sort of wouldn't feel right if I didn't. I share a lot of my life here on my blog and so I think it's only right to write about something that has quite an impact on my day to day living, as invisible on the outside as it is. I'm continuing to explore different types of treatments and things to help, I've actually just had a delivery today of a new massage roller that I ordered from Amazon, which I hope will help.
But this is just a little update from me, maybe I'm using writing this as a way of 'getting it out', but I'm also hoping to reassure anyone else out there that might be dealing with a chronic pain condition that despite their pain being totally personal, they're very much not alone.
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