I was bored… so bored that I reached to access Cam4 and add some Skype contact. With intention that I wasn’t doing for sexual pleasure, “Lady Adelle” didn’t really have success. Next on the menu: pornhub.com. I forgot when was the last time I opened it, so wanted to see what’s new. The sex was being practiced still the same way. I got stimulated. It made me believe I indeed had masturbated last Sunday. I was still passionate for the group sex videos, so much that I took a serviette and put it in my underwear. The sin was already done – watching porn i.e. bukkake, but in no way I allowed myself to masturbate again. My plan was to reach orgasm just by watching (no hand activity) like once before, which happened. The orgasm came periodically and this way it was only able to satisfy my needs around my public area, not further (bodily, not to mention the soul). It was my first conscientiously stimulated sexual climax since January. Normally, after the act, I felt very disappointed. According to me now my place in the afterlife was put under question mark. Why all the effort, then?
I used to say the others were cheap, with this, I turned out to be the cheapest of all. Was I ever expensive? I was just sorry that God believed in me. I LET Him down. Whatever punishment I get, I know it will be from God.
…
After some time crying and listening slow jazz songs, I came back to the thought that there is hope for me. If God decides to keep me living, I’ll show Him my actions have value. My life doesn’t reduce to one non-masturbation.
Later in the evening I chose to offer Facebook friendships to Katherine and Sandra. Kathy accepted me.