I grew up with a few friends but a very large family in the San Fernando Valley (California).
I found it hard to maintain friends when the only time I saw anyone was at school. Sleepovers and classmates birthday parties weren't part of my upbringing.
On the flip side, I could spend time with my classmates after school and -gasp- even spend the night at haunted monasteries when my parents uprooted us and moved to Mexico.
It took a while, but by the time I finally had close friends, my parents moved us again. This time back to California.
Making new friends at the age of 14 wasn't hard, it was literally impossible. Especially when I was only in middle school for one year before moving on to High School.
High School was a different monster.
As hard as it was to connect with anyone in high school, I made a few friends that I'm still in touch with.
College, my career, social media/blogging and life in general brought together most of my now friends.
But life is funny.
With time, some folks moved away and I lost touch with others.
Once I settled down, and especially after getting married, I lacked common interests with a few of my single friends. Some of us simply grew apart.
Quite typical, right?
I now have a close circle of friends and various social and professional tribes that keep me sane.
I figured that at my age I had a grasp on friendships and relationships in general.
As a basic rule of thumb I live my life and hold my relationships to the following standards: Remember to be "agradecida," abide by the golden rule, and set boundaries.
Let's start with being "agradecida."
Someone once asked me, isn't agradecida the same as being grateful? In one word: No.
Being agradecida goes beyond beyond grateful. It's hard to explain, but just imagine being connected to someone for the rest of your life because of a favor: they opened their door to their home, cared for you when sick, or helped open the door to a business opportunity or job.
Culturally, at least what I was told, you are to never speak ill of someone who opens their home or the doors of opportunity for you. If someone takes care of you while ill, well, that takes on a completely different meaning. You are, in essence, connected and indebted with this person for the rest of your life--in a more than grateful sense.
Seems strong, right? Well, yes. But in a good way. That favor, action, or what have you, keeps paying you back for you never forgetting that favor or action. Does that make sense?
Now, let's talk about the golden rule. Simple. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Last, but also important is setting boundaries. The basic: You aren't OK with folks talking about your mama. Maybe nothing is to be said about your dog, cat or significant other. Maybe your job is nothing to be proud of (pole dancing anyone?), but you set your boundaries: no one is to talk about your job. Got it? Good.
But what happens when you tell someone not to cross a boundary and, well, they do? What happens if you call them out on it?
In the grown-up sense...they will probably apologize and remember not do do it again and move on.
Simple, right?
Nope.
Let me tell you why" Recently, as in the last year, I told a friend that she had crossed a boundary. "I want to tell you that what you did bothered me. Please don't do it again. Let's move on."
Not horrible, right?
Well, it was...according to her
To this day we haven't spoken...and this friend has broken every single relationship standard that I hold dear.
All because I set boundaries...riddle me THAT?!
This whole situation has bothered me for months. I didn't know how to get it out and move on.
I did tell a couple of close friends who agreed: she should have respected your wishes.
But it still wore on me.
Life isn't simple and people are complicated beings. I wish I could tell you that I am OK with this entire situation. But I'm not.
I lost a friend for being honest and setting boundaries...this is probably one of the hardest things to live with: Honesty and setting boundaries is the the easiest way to loose people.