Self Loathing: The Key To A Peaceful Suicide

The thing with going through with suicide is that there are all those quite valid reasons for not going through with it. If you're a decent and caring and thoughtful person, you really don't want to inflict this act of apparent uncaring on those you love. You really don't want to hurt those you love. You imagine what it's going to be like when they get the news and they are devastated and you actually really really don't want to inflict this upon them. You love them. And you know they love you; why do this to them and to you?
Thing is, they are actually really resilient people. They're the ones that suicide hasn't occurred to. They're actually fine. Sure, they will be devastated, but they'll get over it. It's what the healthy ones do. They'll hate you for a while, but that will wear off. Eventually, there will be a time of forgiving and trying to understand, and in the end they will understand that they still love you, even though you are gone. And you don't exist any more, so there really is no need to feel guilty in advance when you don't exist.
But that guilt still prevents you from doing The Thing.
Another thing that might prevent you from putting an end to the endless misery that your life has become is the fact that you've been here before and it will wear off. Ride out the darkness and rather than the end of days, there will be happy days.
And this is true. You've been through many, many, many, many, many dark times that often no one else has been aware of because you come across as such a nice person or a funny fucker or whatever. That's the way you deal with it. Be nice. Stay chipper. Be funny.
Even though it's the most draining struggle just to get through each day. It's wrong, so very wrong because you are intelligent and live in a comfortable civilised city and you have your circle of friends and you appear to be happy in your comically unhappy way, but it's a draining struggle.
It's a struggle when the happy ones ask you happily how you are today. It's a struggle when your friends want you to come out and party with them and that's the very last thing you want to do: you just want to be alone.
But you can't do that. So you go and you put on a happy face and they think you are happy when you may as well be a unicorn.
You know this darkness will pass. You've been through it before. Hang in there, the little voice says, hang in there. Sure, this time was longer than the last and longer than the one before that, but just hang in there.
And these are the kinds of things that prevent you from ending your inner unhappiness. Which is what suicide is all about. All anyone wants to do when they commit suicide is end their unhappiness. They don't want to hurt anyone. They don't want to cause problems. They are just overwhelmed by their deep, deep, unrelenting unhappiness.
Today I realised what the secret is to freeing yourself from all of the above and allowing yourself to that peaceful suicide you've been dreaming about for so long.
Self-loathing. You must embrace your self-loathing. Really get in there and really, really fucking hate yourself. Because you really are a total and embarrassing loser. You really do have nothing to live for. You are a terrible, terrible person. Great humans have walked the Earth who have done amazing things... you are not worth the dirt on the soles of the feet.
If you are lucky, you were born into a household where as an impressionable little human, you were told with vitriol what a worthless little shit you were.  How stupid you were. All you were good for was to be a thing of verbal and physical abuse. You are hated. You should not have been born. I hate you. I hate you.
You're off to a good start if you've had this kind of upbringing. Not much fun at the time, but it comes in handy for when you need to bring all this shit back to the surface for that peaceful suicide.
You move away from all of that shit because it truly is shit. Fuck that shit, you tell yourself, and you move on.
And mostly it's better. You're not a success, but you do some stuff. You appear happy. You have friends. You have jobs. You travel. You do things. You tell yourself there was no damage done. You are your own person now. You are creative. You are funny. You are endearingly irresponsible. You appear to be successful.
But then it all falls apart. It's the perfect storm for the perfect, the peaceful suicide.
It's late in your life, but suddenly it's all the same. You are useless. I made a mistake. You are a mistake. She hates you and she hates you, she really screamingly hates you.
And that's when you lay there in the dark and you take it all in. Man, that clarity. Such clarity. She was right. She is right. Crystal hard clarity; I should have never existed.
Accept your acknowledged worthlessness, and the next step is peaceful.