Setting Boundaries with His Baby Momma

Posted on the 14 May 2011 by Shaybanks @dnceluv

Setting Boundaries with his Baby MommaI’ve talked about Baby Mommas before and it has led to many emails by readers who wanted to unload their stories, but unwilling to comment. However, if you check the comments posted, baby mommas affect not only the new woman, but the man as well. From child support, to spending time with their children, to feeling all sorts of guilt about not remaining with their child/ren’s mother, men go through a range of emotions with dealing with this delicate situation as well.

Which is why I decided to discuss the most important element to having a magical relationship (yes it IS possible) with a man with a baby momma: setting clear-cut boundaries.

Boundaries are simply drawing a line in the sand, putting an invisible fence around what respect looks like for you. These boundaries are needed in every relationship, but it’s desperately needed in a blended family situation because if not, the shit could get ugly really fast. Just go here and see what I mean.

Here are 4 ways to set boundaries with your man and his baby momma.

1. How often will he see his kids?

This is a big deal. Not only for the child/ren who want to see their father, but to you and your relationship with the father. If he doesn’t have a schedule with his kids, find out why.

Sometimes the reason the man doesn’t see his child/ren regularly is because the baby momma prevents it. But, there is also the case where the baby momma welcomes the father to see his child/ren and he chooses not to. If it’s the latter, you may want to bring this up. I’m a firm believer that how a man treats the child/ren he has now, will be the way he treats the child/ren he has with you.

2. How are things being taken care of financially?

“But, Shay,” you’re thinking, “this really isn’t any of my business!”

I beg to differ.

If you’ve gotten serious with your man and he has kids by another woman, finances are uber important. Uber! Why? The money that he has to spend on child support, private schooling, school supplies, medical expenses, that really expensive field trip to the Smithsonian, and uniforms for extracurricular activities, will come out of your household.

Sure on paper, it may look like your man is bringing in six figures, but after taxes, his bills, and taking care of his child/ren, he may only have the earnings of a cashier at a convenience store. Seriously.

This doesn’t mean you need to break things off, it just means you need open your eyes to the money being brought into your household. So sit down and figure out how much money he’s divvying up to his child/ren. It’s important to consider things like field trips and equipment needed for extracurriculars because more than likely, the single mother won’t be able to provide all of that herself.

3. Are there babysitting privileges?

Sometimes, the mother of your man’s child/ren wants to go out with her friends or enjoy a date or simply some alone time. What are the circumstances in which it would be ok for you and their father to take the kid/s?

This is HUGE and needs to be talked about ASAP. Like before you walk down the aisle.

4. How will the kid/s spend holidays and vacations?

Again, this is something to consider ASAP. Will the child/ren spend time with you and your man during the summer months? Will they be with you during Spring Break? How will they spend Thanksgiving and Christmas? What about religious events like baptisms, Easter, and Sunday Bible School?

When you take on a man with children, there is a lot to take into consideration. You are automatically thrown into an instant family situation. You have to learn to be cooperative and share your man with his children. I’m not saying it’s easy, but if you’re seriously considering marrying this man, you have to grin and bear it.

Don’t worry though, it’s not all bad. In fact, the only reason it can get really ugly is if there are no clear cut boundaries for all involved.

In the next article, I’m gonna talk about the next biggest element in creating a magical relationship with a man with children: communication.

In the meantime, leave a comment below and let me know what you think about setting boundaries with baby mommas. What else comes to mind? Leave a comment below and let me know.

P.S. Feel like you’re being unfairly treated or neglected because of some baby momma drama? Send me an email at [email protected] so we can chat.

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