Shove It Future In Laws

What I know: Mori has been telling our important people about popping the big question. His parents were less than enthusiastic about it (and there was an argument about it between him and them). Of course I am very upset about this still, but I've decided to be the bigger person. But I'm going to vent my little heart out about it here.
Dear future in-laws, we haven't had the best of starts you have hated me ever since you found out I was dating Mori. I know because you treated me so sweetly when I came to your house as a stranger willing to drive your son to college and the next time I saw you as his girlfriend I was treated like shit. I also know this as you have openly told your son you dislike me, and wouldn't let him move me into a new city because I was "just going to cheat on him as soon as he left". Why yes, I am holding a grudge from three years ago.
Besides me being that cheating long distance whore you have grown to hate, let me share some more details about myself with you.
1) I hate your views on religion. Yeah, you're hypocrites.  I don't want to sin one day and then be completely forgiven when I ask for forgiveness. I believe in karma and that my bad actions will come back to haunt me. If you think that I pulled your son further away from his faith with my sinful ways, you are wrong. He was already gone from it. If he wants to go back to God, he is welcome to. I will drive my children to Sunday school and pick them up every weekend for 18 years if they want to go, but they will not be forced into a faith they don't want to believe in.
2) I am not a spoiled rich brat. My father and I parted ways on December 12. I am likely written out of the will and not privy to any "riches". I work 60+ hours a week during tax season for 6 months out of the year and the other 6 months I visit my parents in Texas and North Carolina - none of these trips are luxurious. I bought an expensive cat for your allergic son instead of a dog that I would resent. All of my belongings I have are paid for by ME. I will be paying for grad school all on my own. When your son gets out of school I will be "spoiling" him with paying off loans and using my savings on a house. The rich house that you judge me on was a place I involuntarily lived in for four years during high school. I hate it and hope it burns down.
3) I am NEVER going to cheat on your son. I know this is a confusing concept but long distance relationships DO NOT EQUATE to cheating whores. I have never cheated on your son, I will never cheat on your son. Besides, it's almost been a year since we've been living together - time to get over the whole Maryland whore, eh?
4) Your son and I love to drink and travel and hang out with friends. This is the 21st century, we don't like playing solitaire with classical music on in the background. We never will. Get over it.
5) We enjoy living in sin. It's awesome. I can walk around naked whenever I want now that Roommate is gone.
6) I support your son in this shitty career. Yeah I have had and still have qualms about Mori becoming a doctor. Something about giving up my identity and moving around a lot depresses me. I'm a human being with thoughts and feelings that I can't turn off. Again, it's been two and a half years since we broke  up for 48 hours over that little fight. I have quit my job and left a great opportunity to live with him. Hell, I clean his toilet. I. AM. COMMITTED.
7) I am loud and obnoxious. You have to be both in order to get attention as one of seven children. And because of it I always had my own room - the strong prevail. I can only pray that my sense of humor and loudness gets passed on to my children so they don't end like the freaks you want in #4.
8) Yeah I come from a broken family. If I could control my circumstances I would have grown up in Hawaii five inches taller, 15 lbs skinnier, and gone to Hogwarts. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way. As the most normal one from my insane family you should thank the lord you got me instead of something else. It could always be worse.
9) And I may not be the best looking person but I clean up nice, I'm not allergic to anything. And I don't have weird speech impediments. Again, Mori could have done a lot worse.
So kiss my ass. I'm going to love your son forever. <-- Nothing about that sentence says I have to love YOU forever. So unless you want me to bring out the evil Elle on you, I suggest a little more respect or your toothbrushes will get spit on.
The End.

And in case you're having deja vu after reading this, you aren't crazy - I have written about this many times.