Yesterday, I went to a new book club and we discussed Something Borrowed. The question arose, "Are you a Rachel or a Darcy?" Rachel is the (usually) faithful sidekick, shy, lacking self-confidence, and always self-sabotaging herself. Darcy is the perpetual lucky girl--popular, confident, and even as a freshman in high school, she could make a senior tremble.
On paper, there are more admirable qualities about Darcy than Rachel. Darcy goes after what she wants. Darcy doesn't get pushed around. Darcy is spontaneous, fun, and high energy. Most people, if they were being completely honest with themselves, would probably pick to be more like Darcy than Rachel on a sliding scale.
However, more people empathized with Rachel. She is the loyal friend who lets her friend shine brighter than her and is always supportive and understanding. She forgives easily, lets Darcy get away with snide, hurtful, and manipulative behavior, and quietly carries the burden of maintaining the friendship on her shoulders. She isn't as obviously pretty as Darcy, so she worked harder in school and becomes a successful lawyer. Yet, the reality is that Rachel is weak, and being weak leads her to being unhappy and in a very compromising situation.
This discussion led to everyone proclaiming if they were more of a Rachel or Darcy. Are you nice or selfish? Pushover or doing the pushing? And does it have to be so black and white?
My Darcy qualities are liking to be the center of attention, being loud and spontaneous, and having an outer confidence (but still having plenty of inner doubts!). However, I guess I have been and still am sometimes too much of a pushover. I smile and allow snide comments to slide pass because I don't feel like drawing attention to my hurt feelings and just chide myself that I am being sensitive.
I also have trouble telling a friend when they are being an idiot because I try to follow the philosophy that they are a grown-up and can make their own decisions--sort of relating to the idea of 4 Life Perspectives--people are not victims that I need to save. Does this make me a pushover? Weak? A bad friend? Dishonest? I'm not sure.
I think we all are aware of our flaws and don't typically need others to point them out to us (of course, there are always exceptions when people literally don't see themselves for who they really are, but do you want to be friends with someone lacking that much self-awareness anyway?).
The reality is, people are going to do what they want, so it is probably a waste of breath to try and give them perspective. However, I do think that good friends should always be cheerleaders for each other, pushing each other to try new things, go after that promotion, or leap into their dream job.
I guess that is the difference between telling someone what they should do and encouraging them to do what you know they already want to do but just need a nudge. Ideally no one in a relationship is either the passive Rachel or the assertive Darcy. Hopefully we can each nurtue the best of each to become the strongest, yet still kind, thoughtful, and supportive, version of ourselves.
So who are you, a Rachel or Darcy? How about your friends? Most importantly, Who do you WANT to be?