Back to cold, cold Ireland
I have to admit even though it's freezing it's a relief to get back in to jeans and jumpers
If I never have to get my arms and legs out again it will be too soon
I'm weary from jet lag but I'm kind of enjoying the sleep deprivation
At least I'm feeling something
I've been feeling strange since I came home
I don't know quiet know how to explain it
It's like I'm scared
I have a sense of impending doom
Like something terrible is about to happen
Everything is so overwhelming
From having a shower to leaving the house
Everything is too much
I'm still restricting
It's not good but I can't stop
I'm so afraid of where this is going
I'm literally paralysed with fear
I've thought long and hard about disappearing
Going over it in my head again and again
Trying to find an answer
I'm just so confused
Anxiety and depression are creeping in
I just don't know where to go from here
I want to crawl in to bed and never get up
Maybe I'm just not cut out for life
I'm not robust enough
My mental state is so fragile
Constantly on the verge of tears
Constantly about to break down
I can't handle reality
I can't handle life
I fear for my sanity
I really do
I'm terrified that my mind is breaking
Or that is already has broken
Am I going insane?
Is this what crazy is?
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know how to fix this
I keep getting sucked back in to this illness
It just won't loosen it's grip on me
And I just don't have the strength to fight anymore
I think back over the last month and I'm not even sure how I got through it
There were days when I thought that I was cracking up
Days I thought would never end
I tried to enjoy myself and I did at times
But my eating disorder was always in the background
Lurking in the shadows
Ready to ruin it all
And it very nearly did
I have to do something about this before it's too late
Something has to change
I'm just going round and around in circles
Have been for years
It's tempting just to give up
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But I have to try just one last time
I owe myself and my family that much
I feel like such a burden on them
Emotionally
Financially
I'm like a child that never grew up
I'm sure they're frustrated
I'm sure they're sick of all this
I know I am
I just want to give them some peace of mind
I want them not to worry
I want to be able to look after myself without their help
I want to be independent
But my eating disorder keeps me in this child like state
This twilight
This needs to end one way or the other
Or I truly will lose the plot
The last week of my trip I prayed every morning for help to get me through the day
I just didn't know what else to do
Have any of you been in a similar situation?
Do you have any suggestions or advice?
