The year’s ending and the regular going in the first semester’s gone, so the résumé for my lastest explosive period follows.
Even long before the summer, I had high expectations about my socialisation, whatever I had chosen. The discrimination, the disappointments, the bad mood caused me to change the image the others (that mean to me) had for me – eventually to transform the ideal me from fantasy to practice.
I trusted myself that I can find a quality job without high education, so the choice of faculty was just a side thing to me as long as the female gender wouldn’t be a significant majority. Computer science – the decision was determined by several factors, but not everything was shiny… Fantasy: My purpose was to find a best friend who would have me as his best friend, to spend the time (during & after the lectures) together, I didn’t even consider fasting on Fridays… The reality: Not even a pale copy of my fantasy. No, in different points of time, it had different results.
I was happy that Andrea wasn’t from my group, so I was supposing it would have been like we were from different classes like in high school – we would have seen each other only on breaks. The first day went unnoticed regarding my master plan, but the second one God found a way to utilise my lateness – I made a friend – Munin and it was going well (and the beginning was so good that I missed it in less than two months) until the villain from my village (whom I’m together with since infant school) started to use me as a time filler. The second week was my worst faculty week, Andrea wasn’t stable at all. I came there to succeed regardless of what I’ve been through, however my past was constantly chasing me. Nevertheless it wasn’t stronger than moi, I managed to obtain friends from my group, often unconsciously following the rule: If I don’t find them, they WILL, and once I was found, I made sure our relationship not to fade out. Tuesdays and Wednesdays were horror to me. I expected to see a more loyal Christian than me there, unfortunately, the quieter future engineers gathered at the popular ones full of sins: fornication, gambling, affinity towards the physical appearance, selfishness, duplicity, jealousy, pride, godlessness, even nationalism! They were like perfect images – idols of something that the shy ones never achieved. It didn’t provoke me to be like them. Although it was hard to me looking from aside, I remained myself – full of love. My goodness attracted Muhammed who also possessed a high level of spirituality. It wasn’t bad, but hiding was making me double faced. Spontaneously on Mike’s initiative (in А2 the time I felt like Oprah), my frenemy, the mademoiselle finally saw the real me. And it went on… (I believe that I subconsciously chose the Turks as my active friends because with their language and culture they were different just like I was different with my antisociality in the past…) I was interesting to them… I was happy, even though some of them decided to believe in stereotypes connecting me with Boki 13. Let it be, with that they were only gaining smaller value to me and to God, i.e. they were leaving space for those that truly meant to me… As the time passed my criteria increased, I didn’t smile for every dedicated closeness anymore, so the smile stopped being my trademark. I wanted more… At many moments I was alone again. I didn’t step over my own self unaware that all of that displeasure solders subconsciously and desperately waits to explode. When?
At the end of November, after I confided to Thomas, he obviously felt sorry for me, so he decided to show the others the other side of me – the evil me… By my side followed lies, acting like a real star, denial of the past, shamelessness and merciless ruined any reputation of mine that I was gaining for more than two months. The ecstatic me and the show I prepared for them definitely changed their opinion for me. Yes, there were concealed consequences, but I’m glad that they helped me pass through my spiritual pain by non mentioning the ugly event to me, while I acted toward them like nothing has happened. Meanwhile I accepted Muhammed as my best friend de facto un frère. My brother visited me in honour of my birthday and it was a perfect opportunity to surprise my family – it happened, though it wasn’t completely approved. No matter how hard it is to believe, discrimination is done in the 21st century! That passed too and… if until then Andrea’s gossipings for me were just strong suspicions, they became reality. It’s unbelievable that after everything they do, some people still consider themselves to be Christians. Anyway, I didn’t explode, neither revenged them… no matter how deep they dig into my past, they can’t reveal my true value – my religiousness. Recently I decided to shift my priorities and switch my socialisation for my studying which resulted with better colloquium results. And I’m planning to increase my success…
There am I now, another year behind me, possibly the most important in my life so far. When it comes to the “Mines”, the interest from both sides is decreased as nothing is the same without the same place and same us, yet you know me, sometimes I don’t know when to stop, so I’m aiming towards more bombastic and more shocking year. Above all a year full of love. My wishes for 2013? More spirituality, more religiousness, more forgiveness, better behavior, excessive patience minus negativism which would result with more happiness and closeness to God. They haven’t seen the best of me, my diary is still waiting for becoming public… until then… I LOVE YOU 
!
