I really want to be sympathetic.
To everyone.
I do.
But I am just not pulling it off the way I usually can. Maybe it is due to the fact that I am in a place in my life right this minute where I need to be more selfish. More all about me. I know, that sounds totally bitchy and beyond comprehension, but it is true. When you have spent your life being the giver, you sometimes get to a point where you feel like the life has literally been sucked right out of you…
That you absolutely could not bend over backwards for anyone even one. more. time.
No matter who it is. Or what they need.
I am so there.
Don’t email me with hate mail, telling me I am the bitchiest friend ever, or unfriend me on facebook. It is really not even about you, or anyone specific at all.
It just is.
I guess maybe it is the guilt I am feeling about being that bad friend that is making me write this. I do feel guilty, that I can’t help you, or explain myself better or tell you what you need to hear.
There has to be a clause written in somewhere, that it is ok to be that unacceptable friend once and a while, if there isn’t, there should be.
We should all be able to say it out loud. Make it known.
I am not good for anyone else right now, I am not the shoulder you can use to cry on. I will NOT tell you what you want to hear. Ok, well that is a normal thing with me I suppose. If you ask my advice I will usually be pretty honest in giving it. Whether it is what you want to hear or not.
I have been feeling like I need to find myself, but now that I think about it. I really don’t. I need to CREATE myself. Create the life I want, that will ultimately make me happy in a way that I seem to have not been up until now. That is totally my own fault. I know this now. I am not pouting about anything. I have a totally abundant life, I also know I have been the one that has created that life, so why on earth wouldn’t I be capable of making myself into who I want to be?
I can.
I am.
I will.
But it is making me solitary. Which I am good with. I am not saying I will never date again, or that I won’t date soon. But I am not saying that I will. I am also not going to be that nasty unhelpful friend forever, I promise…it is temporary.
As of now, I refuse to settle for anything less than amazing, spectacular and mind blowing. In all areas of my life. I am halfway through this life we live. Well… hopefully I have that long left, but even if I don’t… from today on, I am living it full on, full out and happy.
I am living it by my rules, my code of honor, and with integrity. But mostly, I am going to LIVE it…
And on a side note…
To my soul-mate sister friend of nearly 25 years…thank you for being there for me, when I can’t be there for anyone else. I hope I am as good a friend back to you, when you need me girlfriend. Thank you for listening to my woes, my crazy stories, my hilarity and my laughter as we travel down this crazy highway on a fairly similar path. I love you to bits, and have since the day I met you, I have no idea what I would do, or how I would get by in this life without your love and friendship and total 100% non-judgementalness…(I am pretty sure I just made that word up)…I just really love you, and I am thankful there is an “us” every single day.
I know that I have a long road to travel to being who I know I can be, but every single day…I feel grateful, and happy, so so happy that I have made the choice, and I have acknowledged the fact that I need to live for me. Not for anyone else… that the friends I have in my life, I want and need there, and hopefully they feel the same way back.
I am thankful that I live in a country that lets me be the crazy, loud, obnoxious, tattooed girl that I am, and makes it a reality for me to be independant and self sufficient and free…
So on this Thanksgiving weekend, I am really, really thankful. More so than I have ever been in my nearly 47 years of crazy life…I am thankful to have found this amazing blogging world, that really has changed my life in so many ways, and for each and every one of you, that read what I have to write, for the friends that you have become…and the friends that I had before that still keep up with me…
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, even if yours isn’t here yet :)
Love to you all…
