Today I woke up feeling a bit foolish for being so quick to post my little breakdown so publically yesterday...
But you know when you're in that moment, when everything is right on top of you and you feel that you can't cope and you just don't care who knows about it?
Well, that's how I felt.
This morning I woke up wishing I'd taken some time to calm down before reacting - and wishing I hadn't allowed everybody to see me so vulnerable.
But then I saw the comments left on my Facebook page - some from readers of this blog and some from people who'd never seen it before.
The private messages to my Blogs facebook page from people who've never met me but know me from here - wanting to offer their support and their kindness.
The emails from people who took the time to seek out my contact address and send me their words of encouragement or their own stories of struggles they have had or still have.
The messages to my personal Facebook page from so many people - some old school friends, some ex work colleagues, some blogging & online friends I've never met in reality but who probably know more about me than most people who have.
The comments left on my blog posts - offering support, advice, and words of kindness.
The tweets sent showing solidarity and outrage at the harshness of trolls.
The Instagram comments of support and friendship.
All of these people - who were kind enough to take time out of their days to contact me in whichever way they could - have shown me that there is FAR more good out there than bad.
I imagined it in my mind as a wall of negativity that was just too high for me to even see over let alone get past - and, as cheesy as I know it sounds!, each comment or message was like a stepping stone - each one taking me higher until I eventually felt that wall wasn't too high to see over anymore, and that maybe I could even get over that wall completely in time.
Things are certainly feeling tough at the moment - as Jon so eloquently put it when we chatted about it all last night - right now I'm in the thick of the fog so it seems that every silver lining has a cloud and the light at the end of the tunnel is a train! I feel that I can't see the woods for the trees.
But I feel stronger now, thanks to the GOOD people out there who have reached out their hand to help me back up.
And it makes me feel that the negative people are so very insignificant.
As Jon said to me - it would be a real shame to end this blog, which I've worked so hard on for so long, on a negative note. To allow cruel people to win.
So even if it's not something I feel up to doing anymore in the long term, I shouldn't stop it right now with this sad and negative ending.
So I'll take a little break while I have some posts scheduled in - we have a little holiday to go on this week and the timing couldn't be more perfect! I really am looking forward to the break and the change of scenery - and when I come back, Jon will take over moderating the comments for a while and deleting any harsh ones before I see them which I think will help.
A lovely lady called Angela emailed me last night and she quoted Legally Blonde to me, which is just perfect as I love that film!, and the quote really struck a chord with me:
Pretty simple, but it's true ... because do you know what?
This ISN'T me.
Not to let bullies get the better of me like this - I've dealt with plenty of them over the years and at the end of the day, they're to be pitied.
How truly awful to have life your life as the kind of person who likes to stamp on others and try to bring them down - as though that somehow makes your star shine any brighter?
Yes I'm struggling with lots of things at the moment, but I'll get there.
I had some truly heartbreaking emails yesterday from people who are really struggling too - but they'll get there too.
Because we're all mothers who love our babies endlessly and we know they need us at our strongest.
So to all the friends who got in touch...
and especially to the people I didn't know before who took the time to reach out to me (because reaching out to a stranger is something so special, I think)...
Angela, Rachael, Sandie, Claire, Hayley, Debbie, Emma, Leslie, Amanda, Hannah, Grace, Georgia, Laura, Julie, Shannon, Gemma, Abigail, Tracy, Kim, Stephanie, Jill, Jo, Kerri, Emily, Kirsty, Donna, Chrissy, Anna, Nicola, Rachel, Lucy, Chrissie & Tina
(Yes I wanted to name each of them individually because a group thank you just doesn't feel like its enough)
To each of you - thank you for being a friend on the other side of this screen.
You've made me feel a lot stronger, and even if I can't see you I now know you're out there reading this blog and finding some enjoyment or comfort or something good in it - and that means more than any amount of trolls just looking for the bad.
Another lovely person who I've had the pleasure of knowing for a while reminded me that I needed to "get my scouse on" as she put it - to hold my head up high and shake off the negativity - so I will "get my scouse on" and I'll leave you with a Beatles quote to sum it all up...
"I'll get by with a little help from my friends".
(It seemed so much more fitting than "I am the eggman, I am the Walrus...!" ;))
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