On the list of things I like to do, shopping for clothes ranks somewhere just above listening to people loudly eat apples and poking myself in the eye with a dull butter knife.
In other words, I kind of hate it.
First of all, my wardrobe consists of gym clothes, “good” T-shirts and stuff I have to wear to work because evidently, “business casual” has a formal definition. Plus, I have no interest in fashion and would rather spend my money on food, so there’s that.
However, once in awhile I receive a gift card—as I did for my birthday last month —and that takes away my excuse that I can’t spend money. And seeing as it was for Kohl’s and they have things that aren’t clothes for sale—and the “biggest sale of the century” every weekend— the purchasing probability looked promising.
Then again, we are talking about me.
Whenever I don’t have a gift card or money, I find a bunch of stuff I would buy. But when I actually have a gift card—free money!—I can never find a damn thing.
But they say, “Expect great things,” in the Kohl’s ad, so I decided to give it a shot. Here’s how my last four Kohl’s attempts have gone:
1) Walk in, lust after the vacuums and accidentally wander into the clothing department, confused as to where I belong. Clothes in the juniors department says “slutty schoolgirl” while those in the women’s department scream “stodgy schoolmarm.”
Considering I’m not going for either of those looks (at the given time, mind you) I was done looking at clothes two minutes and one “uncomfortable moment when eye contact was made with an employee while I attempted to re-fold a shirt and put it back” later.
2) Drive by Kohl’s, see a busy parking lot and continue to drive right back to Target next door, promising myself I’ll hit Kohl’s on some other day.
3) Dropping the pretense of even looking at clothes, I return with the mission to find running shoes and maybe a new bag. Spend .05 seconds looking at bags, five minutes smelling all the scented wax melts and two minutes testing the cushy bedding they have on display before getting “the eye” from an employee.
Wander through the aisle of running shoes and find three pairs that I like and want to try on before realizing those are the only three styles in the store or on the planet that they don’t have in my size.
4) This is it. The damn gift card is burning a hole in the purse that I need to replace. Head back over to shoes and delight in finding a pair in my size that I like. Noting they’re marked down from roughly $1,350 to a mere $49—sometimes I get the feeling Kohl’s exaggerates a bit — I decide they’re meant to be mine.
Get up to the register and go through the cashier conversation—no, I’m not using my Kohl’s charge; sure, I would love to scratch off a coupon to see if I won extra savings; yes I’m aware that you’re angling to replace both the Euro and American dollar with Kohl’s cash by 2020.
After swiping the gift card I’m informed that I saved approximately $2,034 by purchasing the sale items and that I qualified for additional Kohl’s cash to be used next weekend on the next biggest sale of the century.
Even knowing that I did not in fact save approximately $2,034, I still leave feeling slightly triumphant—until I realize I still have $30 left on my gift card, no clothes, no purse and no energy to come back later.
Maybe I’ll wait until they have a sale.
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