*Confused
by her question I look into my hands wondering if I had been wearing something which
was now lost*
My
concerned neighbour: Shakha,Pola? (Red and white conch shell and a red wax/lac
bangles respectively which signify a married Bengali woman)
Me:
Ohh .. I didn’t wear it today.
My
concerned neighbour: But you are married?
Me:
Yes, I know that aunty.
*Mom
looks at me with an amusing expression*
My
concerned neighbour: All you modern girls, what’s with not following
traditions?
Me:
Traditions? Ohh… I am married and a girl so I need to carry symbols of that?
*And
I laugh to hide the fact that I am annoyed with her*
My
concerned neighbour: Yes and your mom wears them too? It’s bad not to wear them
you know.
Me:
Well aunty I respect my mother’s choice and the fact that she understands it’s
my choice if I choose to wear them or not....
*I
smile and an uncomfortable pause follows*
Me:
More tea aunty?
*And
I get up to move towards the kitchen lest I cross any sort of line*
It happened again, my bangle
tangle! My affinity, or rather the lack of it, towards bangles seems to be
a vital cause for concern to my neighbourhood aunts and distant cousins. So
much so that they choose to brood over it rather than their very own protruding
and must I add hideous bellies. If I were them, I’d certainly dwell on the
latter!
I don’t know what it is
with the people of this country but minding one’s own business certainly isn’t
a common trait anymore! But was it ever really?
A few weeks back when I was
at my mother’s place for holidays there was a neighbourhood aunt who dropped by
to pay a visit, which was great. But after a few awkward pauses I realised that
my appearance as a married woman truly
bothered her. While ideally as far as reason goes it really shouldn’t have! As strange
as it sounds it seemed as though she was more focussed on my bangles than me.
The fact is I don’t wear
bangles, bindis, vermillion, toe
rings or mangalsutra all the time nor
do I carry the other signs apparently mandated
for a married woman on a daily basis. For festivals perhaps or when I am in
the mood to dress up a certain way then yes, but every day I certainly don’t.
That said I would also like to mention that I respect women who chose to follow
these customs out of their own will and do it so well every recurring day of
their lives.
I agree I am married
afterall I have a husband to show for that! But the poor jokes apart I don’t
believe that I need to wear a certain bangle 24X7 365 days a year to proclaim
to the world that ‘look here I am a
married woman’ unless ofcourse I want to!
But when it comes to India,
that has always been the norm, hasn’t it? It’s mostly the women who need to
take care of the traditions. Starting right from the vermillion to the bangles; or the mangalsutra to the toe ring, it has been the women always. I have
no complaints that men don’t need to display any such signs, except maybe a
wedding ring. But I do have a problem when I am told that since I am a woman
and a married one at that I need to dress a certain way. It’s not that I have a
problem against wearing the shakha pola or
putting on the toe ring. I like to
put them on but I like to do that when I feel the need to out of my own free
will.
The sad part though is when
women themselves become crusaders for the incarceration of their own kind in
the shackles of one sided customs. Pointing a finger at someone for not wearing
a toe ring or a bangle just because you chose to wear one is wrong, and not to
mention judgemental.
It’s pretty simple really.
It’s as easy as saying ‘to each their
own’. If a woman chooses to wear these every day or follow certain
‘traditions’, it should be because she chooses to do so and not because someone
in ancient India deemed that necessary.
But the fact that it’s an
individual choice doesn’t seem to register in the minds of people in the
country we call our own. I try as much as possible to live life on my own terms
as I always had in my parents’ home. And I implore upon all women to do the
same. Don’t follow something just because you are supposed to. Lead a life that
is made of choices you make. I know it’s not easy especially because as women
we tend to take the high road to avoid any conflict within family or the next
of kin. But we need to stop that now for what we believe in is important too.
And if not that then atleast what we are comfortable in is absolutely imperative.
It’s time to think and
detach unreasonable customs from everyday life of women. It’s time to get rid
of the ‘To Do List’ society expects
women to fulfill. Think about it. A woman mandated to be clad in saree 24X7 in
her in-laws’ place would perhaps be more amiable in a salwar suit. A woman
cooking dinner with the long end of the saree on her head would most certainly
cook better without the added baggage on her cranium! A woman with a heavy nose
ring wouldn’t mind a few days without that dangling from her nostrils. The
underlying factor here is of choice. Don’t
bury a woman under these unnecessary conditions. She’ll always be the woman she
is meant to be, the nurturer and partner, even without the multitudes of manmade ‘obligatory’ accessories.
So I plead this case to the
beautiful women out there, free yourselves and the one’s you know from burdens
such as my trivial yet important bangle
tangle!
Love,
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Riot of Random
