I come from a family of above average sized people. I’m neither the smallest of people nor am I one of the biggest. I have always stood out. I was either too tall in primary school or bigger than most girls in secondary school.
I started getting bullied from a very young age. It could be stupid comments like “Wow, Kir, have you become bigger?” or “Wah, Kir, growing tall real fast, eh? How old are you, 25?” or “Come here chubby, come here” or the classic “Wow, why are you eating so little? Dieting?”
Excuse me?
When I was younger, I neither questioned nor confronted the people who asked me such questions. In my head, it just did not quite make sense that people who told me they cared about me would ask me such questions. Uncles, aunts, teachers! I was very confused.
Now, to put things into perspective, I will narrate a specific incident that happened in my life that I will never forget. I remember very clearly being deliberately embarrassed in front of my entire form, in front of literally all my peers. I used to have very frizzy hair when I was younger that was hard to ignore. One fine day, my teacher thought it would be hilarious to draw attention to my hair. She asked the entire form during assembly if I should place my hair in a wall socket to see if it conducts electricity. At that very moment, all I could do was break down and cry. I was twelve years old when that happened. I did not know I had rights. After all, she was my teacher and we were always taught to remain silent. She must know best, yes? Wrong.
That happened 7 years ago and I still remember the incident so very clearly.
I started gaining weight once I hit puberty. I spent almost all of my years of school in a single sex school. By the time I was fourteen, I was not only a giraffe in my classroom, I was also a lot bigger built than your average 5’2″ fourteen year old girl. Usually after term breaks, teachers would say I had gained weight when in reality, I would actually have lost a couple pounds during the holidays. It’s almost like teachers are trained to lower someone’s self-esteem. They may teach us to love ourselves and that we are all beautiful individuals, but a handful of teachers sure as hell do not practice what they preach. I did not say much when I was in lower secondary to teachers like those. I did not know what to say. I just started to love myself less, and less.
At the age of fifteen, I moved out of the single sex school to a co-ed school for my upper secondary education. I was the ‘new kid from a single sex school.’ It was a completely new environment to me. I was not used to having boys dominate class discussions, etc. I am a very independent, opinionated and bold person. A real extrovert. Coming from a single sex school, it was normal to be like that. Unfortunately, it was not exactly accepted here. Girls were a lot more timid in co-ed schools. They did not say much and they sure as hell were nowhere close to my loudness.
Anyway, I learnt the culture quickly and fitted in eventually. About a month into the academic year, a group of 4 boys decided to pick on me. A group that actually consisted of a prefect. The prefect was the biggest troublemaker. For some reason, they thought calling me a ‘Walrus’ was amusing. It started off small. They would call me that when they saw me walking down the hallways or corridors. As weeks went by, they started to pass my classroom to call me walrus. They would make sure they were soft enough not to be caught by teachers but loud enough so I could hear them. This carried on for quite a long time. They kept calling me a walrus. I wanted to just scream and lash out.
I was always taught though, that responding to the devil is just what the devil wants. It would never stop if I respond. So, I ignored them. Unfortunately, the devil insisted on a response. The bullies took the bullying up a notch. I walked into the chemistry lab one dull afternoon and couldn’t help but notice a ton of words in white liquid paper on the tables. I looked closer and sure enough, most of these words were the same. Walrus.
I could not ignore it anymore. I did make an official report with the school. Sadly, like most bullying cases, no action was taken. The bullies laid off eventually and did not have the guts to apologize to me. I moved on eventually and did not allow it to keep me in the darkness for long. I still had to deal with stupid comments made by teachers who I will never forget till the day I die. Thank you teachers for crushing not only my self-confidence, but of many more individuals’ like me. Thank you friends of parents who think its funny to call people fat or unattractive. Thank you relatives who are ever ready to knock down my self esteem!
To the bullies of my past, present and future,
I feel sorry for you because you seem to only find joy in pointing out someone else’s flaws. I honestly believe you are very insecure about yourself and you need to point out others’ dents to make yourself feel better. Seek help, please.
To the victims of bullying,
Whether you’re judged by your physique, colour, ethnicity, religion, eating habits, or whatever, know that you’re an individual. You are yourself and nothing about you is wrong. So what if you’re a little taller or bigger than most people around you? So what if you’re a little too pale or a little darker than most people? So what if you’re different from other people? Isn’t that individuality?
It is sad how society today deems ‘being different’ as negative. We allow the basis for individuality to be brutally destroyed and butchered because we succumb to the human ideal and exert oneself to be average. Individuality and uniqueness is slowly dying out as our society progresses into this new age digital world that provides an easy route for these ‘ideals’ to be fed back to society.
We must recognize that stereotypes or human ideals do not define us. We must recognize that the human ideal is subjective. We must recognize that perfection lies in the eyes of the beholder.
Society cannot tell you what is beautiful or not.
Society cannot tell you what is socially acceptable or not.
What society should be telling you is to be comfortable in your own skin.
If you ever feel down, look at yourself in the mirror, point out the things you love about yourself and if that doesn’t help, sit down, take a piece of paper and list down all the things you love about yourself. Trust me, it helps.
If I could say one thing to my bullies, what would I say?
I am beautiful just the way I am and nothing you can say anymore will hurt me. Also, you are a sad prick.
