I have made a decision. I am to be done with the saddness, the hurt, the loss, the betrayal.
It is time for me to move on. I have grieved the loss of us as best friends for going on five years now.
The time has come to let it completely go. I have said before that I have already done that, but in reality I have not.
I don’t want the anger anymore, I don’t want to not trust others because of what you have done.
I have some things to say before I go forever, and never look back again.
I won’t forget the good times we had, the tears we cried, the boys we left in the dust, the things we lived through together and the fun we had.
Nor will I forget how you took all of that and threw it away like it meant nothing to you. I forgive you for it, that is all.
I have many days felt guilt…I made a promise to your mother on her death bed to always watch over you, and make sure you were safe and loved.
I am over that guilt. If she is up there looking down on us, she knows that I tried my best.
She will be disappointed with you, not me.
I know she loved me for me, not because of you. That gives me strength to know I am going to be ok, without you in my life.
I know I will never replace our friendship. Nor do I try.
I have love beyond anything I have ever hoped for in my life now, without you, and I am really good with that.
It is time for me to move on, soon will come a day, when I move from this town, the one you moved to… to be near me, to have a life with me and to share everything all the time. I still am not sure why it all went so wrong, how you decided I wasn’t someone you wanted as a friend, was my honesty too much for you? Was the fact that I didn’t do what you wanted me to do and you had no control over my actions all you needed to walk away like we had known each other for 10 minutes instead of most of our lives?
This is what has held me back from moving on, the not knowing, the wondering, the self doubt I have thanks to you. I know I made the right choice for me. I am not living my life for you or anyone else, in order to be healthy and happy I did what I had to do.
I know that you, in your life right now… have none of those things, I am sorry for you. You reap what you sow. You can’t control the world no matter how much you think you should.
So I look forward to the day, when I don’t walk down the street, or go grocery shopping and wonder if I will run into you. If I will have to look away like I don’t see you, so you don’t see the hurt in my eyes…so you don’t see me try not to cry or keep the feelings from my face as I pretend you aren’t there.
It will happen, I am close now. It has taken me a long time to come this far, everyday I am a little bit closer to totally being over us.
The only problem is, it doesn’t make me any less sad to know that I am.