Self preservation is something I pride myself on
I guess since I was a child, I learned that the people you love the most hurt
and the ones that aren’t meant to leave, always seem to
So it’s just easier if you cut people off at a certian point
Last night, you made me realize I might need to cut this off before it’s even really begun
You’re too good at making me happy
I shouldn’t feel this euphoric so quickly
and it’s all because you treat me like I haven’t been in so long
You do things I just assumed men hated
You make me smile when you’re busy pleasing me
you leave me begging for more, each time we say goodbye
hell, before we even say goodbye, I want more of you
it’s a constant state of euphoria whenever you’re near
whenever you message me, my heart doesn’t skip a beat,
but other parts of my body react with lightning speed
I find myself craving your touch
craving the feel of your long, curly locks brushing against my skin,
the clash of brown and white skin in motion
Your big beautiful brown eyes looking up at me and that beaming smile when you realize how happy I am in those moments
The thing is
I can’t do it
I’m already finding patterns and connections in things that make no sense
Already joining the star map together of how we might be intertwined
And it’s so fucking like me, to want someone I can’t have
To desire the one thing they tell me I can’t
Because everything’s a competition
And I hear my mothers voice in my head when I get rejected
It’s been over 10 years since it happened
But if there is one thing I know, it’s that I should just hurt myself now before given the chance to have you hurt me later
And it’s not to say this wasn’t fun
That I don’t want to keep having fun
But just that I don’t think I’m capable of just handling fun without making assumptions and wishing for more
I knew it the moment I saw you with someone else
Giving her satisfaction didn’t bother me in the slightest
But watching you get satisfaction from her
More than you did with me that night
Hurt a lot
If it’s a competition, I lost
And that stung
So let it sting now for just a little longer
Rather than let it turn into a rash or a bruise
Something that lingers and hurts more
Because this is a competition I can’t win
And the prize is your attention and affection,
But that was never even offered,
It’s a prize that doesn’t even exist
And I’m the idiot who thought I could conjure it
