image via weheartitThis certainly isn't the post I had intended to write for you today.In fact today, Tuesday morning, when I set out to write a post for Wednesday, I was going to share with you some more pictures from my trip to Longleat. A post which I'm now pushing back until Thursday. It's my worst secret, and it's something which I've lost friendships for, destroyed relationships over, missed exams, not returned important phone calls, not turned up for work, and even put myself in hospital over.I suffer from depression. This is self diagnosed, because I feel that having to go and sit in front of a doctor and explain how I feel would just be too hard and too pointless. I've had years of practice at playing it down, and pretending that it doesn't exist so the idea that I would suddenly change and become all chatty about it in a Doctor's office just so he can give me some pills to make me feel better sounds ludicrous to me. The reason I say 'suffer' with depression is because it's been debilitating. It's been slowly ruining my life for years, and I've just let it. I could write a whole other post, on practical ways to beat depression or at the very least to keep it at bay - because I know what works for me. Having the strength and motivation to get up and do that however is something else entirely. Today was one of those days that I couldn't help but let it get the better of me.I usually work six days a week, and so today, having a day off coincide with some rare and beautiful weather, I'd made plans to meet up with a friend I hadn't seen since February, despite him living only half an hour down the road, and go to the beach for the afternoon then back to his Uni halls for drinks with his friends in the evening. Lovely right? Well, I never even made it past my front door. I woke up perfectly happy, had a nice chat with the electrician that came out for about three hours over several cups of coffee because he was an old friend. I'd gotten dressed, done my make up, and started my day with every intention of leaving the house and having a good time. But instead, I ended up in bed, crying, watching repeats on 4oD for the better part of six hours. I texted my friend and told him I had to be home to supervise the electrician because my Mum was out. I said I'd be there this evening instead. Then I just stopped replying and only called to apologised once it was too late for me to come with another excuse. Now I know what some of you might be thinking, because there's this little voice my head that's going "Well, why the heck did you do that you silly cow. Why didn't you just get up and go! You know you would have felt better once you were out the house and on your way there."
And days like these aren't rare. I had a month of them in January. A fortnight of them last May, and two months of them the October and November before that. Depression is something that just seems to appear for me, out of the blue, with almost always no explanation. But it always lasts weeks. When I said earlier about how I've lost friends because of it, well I've done that by doing exactly what I did today. My former friendships haven't ended in a huge rows, and we didn't 'just drift apart' - I would stop replying to attempts to contact me. I would arrange to do something then make excuses and never turn up. Now if a friend of mine did this to me, I wouldn't immediately think, maybe something bad is going on with their life, I'd just consider them a bit flaky and stop bothering - which is, I'm sure what has happened to me. Knowing this however, just doesn't seem to help. Like today for an example, I ended up complete consumed with dread at having to go outside and talk to people and pretend to be happy. I ended up feeling shattered, at 2pm in the afternoon, with a splitting headache. When really I was just fine. Depression catches me completely off guard. When I lived with my ex-boyfriend in Carmarthen last year, I spent so much time trying to hide how I'd curl up in the bottom of the shower sobbing, for no apparent reason - and I hid it because I had no explanation for him. I'm sure he would have thought that it was something he'd done, or that how I felt was his fault if I'd told him. But maybe I only think that because I've spent years thinking that it's all my fault. Because everything's my fault. The constant effort of keeping it hidden, and secret was exhausting. I pushed so many people away and out of my life, because it was one less person to have to fool everyday.
I recently ended what could have been a really serious relationship not because I didn't want it, but out of fear. And even worse the fear that I'd never be able to shake off this feeling.
Blogging about something that is as personal to me as this is, certainly isn't something I'd ever considered doing prior to today. I did start this blog however in hope that my life would be better because of it. I didn't come looking for an emotional outlet but more something to focus on and keep me busy. For me this blog is an ongoing project that I'm constantly sharing with other people, just as they are sharing theirs with me. The blogging community, despite having it's mad moments of competition and bitchiness, certainly means you're never alone.
You can't kill a shadow. But, when it's real and in a sense physical - I can do something with it. I can say "shove off, not today thank you - I have a beach to visit." Even just typing that makes me feel better, as though this 'Moaning Myrtle' figure that's been sat on my shoulder all day just up and left for the evening.
But I don't want to leave this post as a woeful mope about my lot in life. Just in case you have found yourself feeling the way I have at some point, then know you're not alone. I've made myself a list of things to do this week to try and shake this off before it takes ahold of me again.
- Go for a walk outside. In the peace and quite. Somewhere green and alive.
- Listen to music about happy things, which makes me smile.
- Take care of myself. At my worst the very basics just went out the window.
- Eat well. Taking the time to eat nourishing food and not binge on crap make me feel much better.
- Scrap the To-Do List. Too much pressure. I give myself one thing to complete each day, even such a little achievement does wonders.
