This reminded me of my previous posts What Women Want and What Men Want that you, the readers, voted on. In reviewing these posts, I realized I never really weighed in on What Professor Roughton wants.
So I figured I would try to list out the qualities that I look for, at this point in my life, in a potential mate. Then I can use this list to shop through Russian, Chinese, Eskimo, and Narnian mail order bride catalogs to see where I can find the closest match for the best bargain. Pure genius, right?
So in no particular order, here is my eHarmony/Match/Zoosk/CraigslistPsychoStalker list of desirable traits:
- Single mom. Let's be clear. I have raised my son on my own essentially since his birth. I do not need, nor do I want, anyone to come in and play the role of mom to him. However, I would prefer to date a single mom because she could probably relate better to my life. She has been in the trenches of crap filled diapers and shirt sleeve wiped boogers. She likely has the battle scars of projectile vomiting and the psychic scars of being unable to pee in private for years on end.
- Intelligent. I'm no Albert Einstein; neither am I the Waterboy. So if her level of conversation is below my fourth grader's (admittedly, he is precocious, but still), then I am going to get bored very quickly. If the only book she has read cover to cover has Whos for main characters, we may not have a lot to talk about. And if she stumbles over multisyllabic words, then I am probably going to post about her on Facebook for all my female friends to make fun of.
Attractive. I'm not talking about impossible, Barbie Doll, Maxim Magazine type beauty here. However, she should be able to chew her food without prosthetic aids, and she should not make me want to chew my arm off in the morning. I am a reasonably attractive guy, especially after you have like 12 shots of tequila and look at me with one eye shut while balancing your drink straw on your nose. So I would expect a reasonably attractive lady who takes care of herself.
- Sexual Desire. Oh grow up. As adults, we all know we need someone who is on a similar playing field in regards to how much they enjoy sexual activity. So don't be all smack talking because I'm honest about it. Personally, I like sex. It's right up there with Skittles, Tar Heels winning the national championship, and dancing in the shower. Plus, I'm good at it. HA! (Haters don't even chime in here. I'm privy to girl talk I'm not supposed to be aware of, so you don't have to take my word for it. LMAO!) Seriously though, if two people are not on the same page in this category, all the other great qualities will not be enough to prevent the eventual erosion of the relationship.
- Sense of Humor. Umm, hello. Please see the subtitle of this blog. Anyone who has ever been in my class, talked to me in person, or read any of my social media content can tell you that, though I can be serious when appropriate, it is difficult for me to play the straight man more than 10 consecutive minutes. If you psycho-analyzed this phenomenon, you could probably trace its origins back to my chubby youth and innate desire to fit in - a pack of Twinkies in one hand and some knock-knock jokes in the other. On a more not-giving-a-shit level, it's due to the fact that I get bored easily, and if I can't have fun, I'm on to the next thing.
- Here is a brief list of other desirable traits. I will not expound because I don't have anything funny to say about them currently, and I'm getting bored with this post, so I want to hit the gym and make fun of Rudy and Judy. Other traits: honesty, loyalty, good personality, hard working, goal oriented, good communicator, adventurous, and to steal one from the female readers' post, can avoid farting in my presence. (Thanks, ladies.)
