So let’s see. Courage, strength, drive, determination, agility, endurance, a strong constitution … we’re looking pretty good here. You’ve got an off-beat sense of humor, too (which I love), and I can see that you’re a little too hooked on the Sci-Fi Network when you warn me about carnies and know exactly which X-Files episode I’m talking about when I make reference to the Chinese black market for body parts.
A quick wit indicates that you enjoy intelligence, and makes you excellent fun to debate, and I confess myself envious that you were an achiever in school. I hate homework and my grades showed it. Not stupid, just disinterested — but still — intelligence didn’t get me an A. So, discipline, there’s another one. I can’t imagine that you loved homework but you did it anyway and got a scholarship for school. You didn’t mention whether it was academic or not, but heck, dude, a scholarship is a scholarship.
A passion for history is what immediately gripped me. How I would have loved to talk WWII Germany with you. I have so many experiences from Berlin and I want to show you my books, talk about the fantastic atmosphere that is Christmas in Berlin, and how I grew to love the Germans and view them in such an unique and compassionate way. My mother is a plethora of information about Berlin and the war, and I just know you and she would’ve had such a good time talking about it. So many good stories there. So much beauty in that country – what a rich experience it was growing up there. I wonder what it was that got you interested, even before you met your professor friend?
Hmm, what else did you say…
Ah yes, that you are constantly evolving. It takes insight and study to do that, and you’ve got both, along with (admittedly, dormant) humility to be able to grow and change. Not just insight though. I mean, insight is good, but if you don’t apply what you know, then all you end up with is an immaculate vision of the train wreck you are running towards and no way to stop it.
And, you have dedication. If you didn’t I don’t think you’d go through counseling with Julia. You have it, and I love that. It’s not dedication to me, but that’s okay; who said it has to be for me? Dedication is dedication — plowing through even though stuff looks like it’s going nowhere is seriously commendable. And pretty stinkin’ awesome.
And there is this sort of calm in your voice. It’s very soothing to listen to. When we were talking on the phone I just loved to hear it — the way it cut through any uncertainty I was dealing with and calmed me down. It’s hard to describe, but I tried to when I mentioned that you have a quiet about you.
You do, you know, but it doesn’t come out when you’re in benzodiazepine withdrawals. No, I heard it when you talked to me on the phone that first night, when you were laying out underneath the stars and watching a satellite go by (and thinking of UFO’s – no seriously … it’s okay to change the channel. The Quantum Leap reruns will still be there in the morning, I promise). I felt safe when you were nearby or talking to me on the phone because of the steadiness that came through your voice. It’s gentle and there is this sort of kindness that quietly makes its way to me when you speak. I wonder if that’s why I felt so unsatisfied with text messaging. Hmm. Probably, actually.
But the kindness you have extends beyond your voice. I sense it most keenly when you talk about your daughter, and that shows me that you have a great ability to love. I knew that right away, that being a part of the whole kindred spirit feeling, because I have that same ability. What did you call it? A big heart to a fault, I think. I call it loving with abandon.
Perhaps it can be seen as a fault, but I am of the philosophy that we are all made exactly as we should be, and that there are not faults in our good qualities. We don’t have any bad qualities, in my opinion — just temptations we are allowed to face. If we didn’t face them, we wouldn’t get stronger or learn for ourselves what our souls are really made of. I will give you a hint: It’s not just chemicals. Oh no, we are far more incredible than any of us can ever imagine. Yeah… I think it’s safe to say that we’re pretty stinkin’ awesome.
And that’s what got me crying. Hallelujah Lord, I’m crying finally! It’s been way too long since I had a good cry, and when I felt at last hot tears streaming down my cheeks, I knew that what I saw in you was no rebound. It was real and eternal, albeit underneath a lot of garbage, but that’s just fine.
We learn in 12-Step group that wherever you are in life is exactly where you need to be. Isn’t that a comfort? You are just where you need to be, Gabriel, and I should say the same for myself I suppose. Violet, you are right where you need to be. Where you need to be is off-limits, I guess, but if that’s the way that it should be, then who am I to complain? I mean, put me in charge and I’m off doing a swan die from the highest platform into a vat of napalm for pete’s sake.
Continue to July 3, 2010 (Part V) —>
© 2010
