My youngest son has moved out. Again. The first time he went back to the coast to go to school, and I did sort of have the notion that he may come back again…he did.
This time I think he was ready. He has grown up all manlike and stuff, and it was just time.
I have never had any problem with him being here…having a stinky boy room with food growing like science experiments all around has been part of my life for over 25 years now. It’s kind of a given for me.
But now, there is clean.
Because that’s how I cope, shit is clean here this morning, it is how I process the fact that my boys have indeed grown up and left me to fend for myself.
It makes me cry. It scares the shit out of me…and at the same time, it makes me really proud.
There are so many mixed feelings when your kids grow up. It leaves you with a void that you know will never be filled back up again. Thankfully, we grow, and find new avenues to move down. It takes that little bit of responsibility that you still feel when they live with you off of your shoulders. You no longer have control of when they come home or how much junk food they are consuming.
You can only boss them around suggestively…they can indeed take your advice with a grain of salt and wing it over their shoulder.
I know I have done the best I can. I know that there are lessons that I can’t teach them and they have to learn themselves, just like I did.
I know I still have things to learn, like how to let go gracefully. I didn’t cry in front of him this time…I waited till I was cleaning out the closet with the last of his stuff, that he is indeed going to take, even if he doesn’t want it…while my heart was breaking a little, missing the days when he was two and just wanted to hug me and kiss my whole face. If only I had realized how fast those days pass, and before you know it, they are packing up the pickup and moving in with their big brother.
At least they are only 15 minutes away, and they are in one place…and hopefully they will take care of each other and not get booted out of the neighbourhood.
Because there are plans for those rooms, and as much as I love them…they can’t come back :)
It’s time for me to break free, and figure out who I am going to be when they grow up.