I woke up this morning, and didn’t really feel like getting out of bed. That is part of the problem with having a seasonal job. I find there are days when I have no plans, and it gets easy to fall into the rut of not leaving my house.
Don’t get me wrong, I have lots to do at home. I have soap to make, presents to build and crocheting to do.
But there comes a point where being alone that much isn’t healthy. Well for me anyways.
I have spent the better part of the last month regrouping and spending alot of time in my head. I am sort of bored with that now. I am still learning to be happy on my own, it is a daily thing with me. I talk a good talk, anyone that doesn’t really know me, would totally believe it.
There are still days, when I dream about having someone to be with. Forever.
I won’t lie, even when I say I am not looking. I think about it.
It’s who I am.
Even though I have been a loner for most of my life, I have found that I need to have attention, affection and love. That is what I miss the most when I am single. In a lot of ways, that are probably unhealthy, it has always been what makes me feel validated. That is the bump I need to get over right now. I know this.
I don’t need to be validated by someone else. I know I am valid :)
I just have to keep saying it out loud.
I really am enjoying my time alone. Truthfully. I love being free, not checking in with anyone continually, or looking after anyone else but myself. It has been freeing to me to know what I want and to be able to walk away from a situation I knew was unhealthy, or hurtful or not what I truly want and deserve in this life.
So this morning when I woke up…and felt a little lost and definitely lonely, I put out into the Universe, that I needed some help with it all, and maybe a better way to deal with it.
Ask and you shall receive.
I got out of bed, made myself a big pot of coffee, and prepared to blog my ass off for a bit. The afternoon was going to involve sewing, and soap making and baking cookies.
But one of my friends came online, and asked me if I wanted to go for coffee.
My inital reaction was to say no. I was in my pj’s and I was all happy and safe in my little funk.
But the Universe smacked me upside the head nearly instantly and made me say yes.
I got my ass off the couch, had a shower and got myself dressed. And I went.
I am glad that I did. It had been forever since I have seen my friend, and it was way overdue.
I did a few errands and got home to my poor pathetic little dog. Who hasn’t been walked in over a week, and made another choice that wasn’t planned for the day.
I called my friend Linda, and asked her if she wanted to take our puppies for a walk. Our dogs love each other and it is a nice day out. I am waiting for her to show up as I type.
I am making the kid chocolate chip cookies while I wait. I will be his favorite Mom for sure.
It’s time for me to live my life fully…I get it, I really do. Some days it is just so easy to say and so much harder to do. I am doing it, baby step by baby step. My priorities change a wee bit every single day. I get stronger, surer, and happier with my life the way it is now.
I am learning that the lonely part of being single, the part that would have before made me run to find a man, whether it be a messed up dating site, and ex that I think I should try again with, or the first guy that shows interest in me…goes away. It’s like quitting smoking. It is a habit…an addiction. One that I am no longer giving in to.
So when we are talking, and I lie to you, and tell you that I am ok alone, that I am not looking for anyone to be with. Believe me just a little ok? Because I really am ok…and everyday I get closer to it being the truth. I am really, really good with that, even if I am not as sure as I would like to be.
I already have all the love in my life that I need. My embracing and appreciating that is amazing and totally fulfilling. The rest will come in time for me, when it is healthy, when I am truly ready and when it is real.
I have faith in that. I trust in it every day.
Being a grown up is fucking hard isn’t it? I think back now to when I was in school and didn’t have a care in the world and just wanted to be grown up… and wonder that the hell I was thinking? Who knew it would all be so complicated?
Life is funny that way, just when you think you have it all figured out, you realize you don’t have a fucking clue what is going on.
The adventure never ends…it’s a pretty sweet deal isn’t it?
Happy Friday my friends xoxo