So, I dunno much about football, but I do know theater. Yesterday’s Superbowl was like the equivalent of opening “Spiderman: The Musical,” for the Broncos.
…You could almost feel sorry for them.
…Almost.
Since I am a CA transplant, I would have once upon a time been auto-assigned as a Broncos fan, had I not been living here already for 14 years come March. Going by the, “if you’ve lived here ten years or longer, this is now your hometown” rule, I am officially a Seattle fan.
…Even if I don’t understand most of the rules of the game.
…Or why they chose to do this play here. Or how “this” way wins you two points, “this” way wins you seven, and “this” way wins you a bonus one…or why.
Frankly, I still think they make half the shit up as they go along, however…I do have basic instinct, and the ability to yell at people. So knowing, “we wanna run that way,” and “not let them go here” is all you really need, in the end, to get into a sport whose plays last less than 2 seconds on average, and end up on slow motion repeat five times or more afterward, before the next one takes place.
…Something like 60 minutes of actual play time across four hours of “game.”
That’s like stretching a TV episode to the length of “Hamlet”…
…But, you know…if that’s your thing, have at it!
Yesterday was YOUR Opening Night, football fans!
Your teams trained for months, through soft openings on the road, polishing your production values to a fine point, so that by last night’s Gala: There you stood, with what felt like the whole world watching, ready to puke with nerves and hoping to God that you would remember your lines.
…Which only makes it worse when 12 seconds into the performance, one of you trips and falls off the stage.
…And sorta just stays down there…
…In the pit…
…For FOUR HOURS…
…Cuz you can’t find the stairs.
…Meanwhile, leaving your costar to go on and win the Tony.
(And prob’ly Oscar too, when they make it into a movie.)
In short: Everyone has had a “bad Opening”…but yesterday’s Bronco Superbowl game, was roughly about as ridiculously bad as this, were it done in total earnest, costing around $470 million to produce, seen by 108.4 million people, with the cast making $49,000 per person, for a one-time performance…just for getting there.
…And THAT is from the perspective of a person who had (until yesterday) never even seen more than fifteen minutes of a football game, in their entire life.
The end.
~D