I partly blame my star sign for it. I wouldn't really believe too much in star signs and all that sort of thing if it wasn't for the fact that my zodiac sign is simply too accurate for me to ignore..
"Virgo in a Nutshell:Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analysing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something."
The very first page I clicked on and it literally describes me. I'm an over thinker. An over analyser. Oh to just do now and think later from time to time.
I put on a bit of grown up TV this morning (yep that's right I wrestled my one year old for the television remote and won. Take that Peppa!) and whilst pretending to roar like a dinosaur to make my littlest man laugh, I got distracted by This Morning, who to mark Anti-Bullying Week, were discussing the issue with a guest who turned out to be a Mum who had tragically lost her Son after he took his own life after years of being bullied.
Listening to the poor lady speak about her Son and what had happened to him was utterly heartbreaking. I felt all sorts of emotions for her and for him and for everyone else and their families who has ever been or is a victim of bullying.
Like most people, it's not something I can get my head around. Thinking about bullying makes me upset. It makes me angry. It makes me feel confused and helpless. How can people be so utterly horrible? How can people find joy in other peoples sadness? It's disgusting.
And it made me think about my two boys. Ethan especially who has just started pre-school at three years old. I watched him this morning when I dropped him off. He was a little hesitant to go and join the other boys who are in the year above him in reception and who were already playing together, but that inner-excitement of being a three year old child wasn't dampened by the hesitance and off he went with his plane in his hand to join in. In that moment I was distracted by Logan, who'd kicked off his blanket on to the wet and muddy ground, when Ethan suddenly appeared back, he was running towards me looking a bit upset with the boys running behind him. I think as kids of that age do, they'd wanted his plane and Ethan didn't want them to have it. I felt over-protective as I loudly questioned, "Ethan what's the matter?" as I took his plane as to keep it safe.
But those same boys are Ethan's best friends, he plays with them daily and he talks about them to me at home. They were just being 3 and 4 year old little boys, and I was just being over-protective.
Hearing real-life stories about bullying is something that touches us all, but more so as parents I think. We worry about our children, we dread the idea that they could ever be picked on or bullied. I know it's one of my worst nightmares.
In my over-thinking head, I ran through the things that bullies could ever target my boys for and I started to worry about my blog. Could the fact that I share an insight into our lives ever be used against them? And if so, should I share less? Or not share at all? Now that he's three, should I post less about Ethan? Will he find these posts and videos that I've put online about us all embarrassing? Could my words, my photos and my videos of him ever be used in the school playground to single him out?
Or am I doing it again and over thinking? Have I just been emotionally affected by what I saw this morning and looked too far in to it? Why am I questioning my belief of not letting fear of judgment from other people impact the way you live your life? Being unique and proud of who you are is something I deeply want to instil in to my children, so why am I letting the potential of something that might not ever happen, make me question myself like this?
Perhaps it's more to do with the boys not understanding that they're on this blog of mine and out there for the world to see. But perhaps I need to remember that they aren't the only children online, they aren't the only children that have Mum's or Dad's who love them so much that they invest so much time in to creating a space on 'the cloud' where with a click of a button they can re-watch, remember and see little details of moments in time gone by that may otherwise be forgotten.
I don't really know the answers, but I guess when it comes down to it, over thinking or not, I should do what feels comfortable for us all and continue to be mindful of the sorts of things I am sharing, until my boys tell me otherwise.
If you share your child's life online, is this something that ever crosses your mind?