The Pain That Came Before Our Joy

The majority of people reading this have no idea that any of it even happened. Ryan and I are so excited about the joy that has been given to us through this little baby. But the pain that got us to this point was something I never want to brush aside or forget.
I wanted to spend the first day of this week sharing with you what happened over the past 8 months. I believe it is necessary because when I was going through this time of my life, the majority of comfort I received was from finding out that other bloggers, other women, were going through the same thing, and it made me feel like I wasn't alone.
Ryan and I decided we would start trying to get pregnant late last summer. I was a little nervous, because I didn't know if I would be ready, but after we talked about it and prayed, we decided that I would get off birth control and we would see what happened. I always grew up believing that getting pregnant was SUPER easy. So naturally I thought I would be pregnant in a month or two. And sure enough, I got a positive pregnancy test in September.
The week I found out, my friend Tiffany, also got it confirmed that she was pregnant. She was the only person I told at the time. We texted back and forth every day, giggling and excited and sharing everything that was going on. I made an appointment to go on base. After a week of positive pregnancy tests I called my sister because I couldn't keep my secret anymore. It was finally starting to sink in and Ryan and I couldn't believe it. And then, Sunday morning, I started to feel sick...and I started to bleed. It got worse and worse and I knew what was happening. I was devastated.
I lost the pregnancy. If you've never been pregnant or lost a baby, you may be thinking, "It was so early on, you couldn't have been that attached." I would have probably said the same thing before I went through this. My good friend recently told me, "A woman becomes a mother the second she sees that pink link..." and that is so true. I cried a lot. I was so upset. I felt really alone.
I wanted to be happy for Tiffany and I tried to keep sounding positive and be encouraging, but I am not going to lie. It was a struggle. Over the next few weeks and months, watching her "bump updates" (and the thousands of others on the blogosphere) was a daily reminder that that could have been me. I should have been that pregnant.
Tiffany kept loving on me, kept encouraging me. And slowly, similar stories of loss began to surface. Lindsey bravely posted her loss along with my good friend Jami and hers. These posts brought me so much comfort because I didn't feel alone. I promised myself that one day, when God blessed us with a baby, I would share the things that I went through, if only to bring comfort to one other person.
We decided to keep trying. I really believed we would quickly get pregnant again...and then we didn't. I know many couples struggle through infertility for years, and I know that our timeframe for waiting wasn't anywhere near that. But by the end of December, I was worried and discouraged. Every month I would wait and wait and when my period showed up I would be devastated. It began wearing on me and Ryan. We had been trying for over 6 months with no successful pregnancy. We decided that we needed to take a break. To stop trying. Focus on just being together, going on dates and having fun.
I planned Club Sexy in January and we took a trip to a cabin...we re-focused on us as a couple and just enjoying each other. Before we went to the cabin, we were planning to have some drinks, so I took a pregnancy test just to be safe: negative. I wasn't devastated this time. I just accepted it and got excited for our weekend away. The next week, Ryan wanted to grab a drink after work. I began to think about it and realized I was pretty sure I was late. I told him to give me 5 minutes and I ran upstairs. 3 seconds after I peed on a dollar store pregnancy test, a line started to appear. After months of squinting at blank tests, this was unmistakeable. I started screaming at Ryan that I was pregnant!! He ran upstairs and I started crying. We ran out to Target to get a good test and sure enough, a big fat positive. I was a little disappointed I didn't get to surprise Ryan. I always imagined I would find out while he was at work and I had all these cute Pinterest ideas of how I would tell him. Oh well.
What I want you all to realize is that at the beginning of January I was terrified. Was something wrong with one of us? Yes, we got pregnant once, but it didn't stick. Months later, we still weren't pregnant again. After talking to a ton of women, I began to realize there are a lot of misconceptions about pregnancy.
Some women do get pregnant right away, but it doesn't seem to be the norm. Especially if they were on birth control. We always heard our friends say they got pregnant the first month they tried. Once I actually talked to them, I found out that yes, it was the first month they tried, but they had all been off birth control for 8+ months before trying.
And most of all, the one thing I had to learn and embrace, is that God's timing really is perfect. As we've started planning out this year, October is the perfect time for us to welcome a baby into our lives. If I was 31 weeks pregnant right now, I'm sure we would adjust, but May would not be a good time for me to give birth. Ryan found out he may be gone a huge chunk of that month, so who knows if he would have been here if I went into labor. God's timing is not my timing and praise the Lord for that!
So here I will end this post. I am so honored that God blessed us with this baby. We pray over the little one and my pregnancy every day. Struggling through those months made me so appreciative of the pregnancy I am in now, and I am grateful for that.
And to any of you women who are reading this - who have found yourself or find yourself in a period of sadness or longing, know that you are not alone. Infertility, loss, hoping for the blessing of a child - so many women are walking the same road as you, you just might not be aware of it. You WILL find your blessing, when the timing is right...whether that be through childbirth, adoption, or some other way that God bestows the blessing of a child into your life. Have faith.


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