The Beginning | Facts About Myself | Don't Mess With An English Major | The Bake SaleThe Favor | The Rescue | The Brothel | The Number | The Wrist, Part One | The Wrist, Part TwoThe Sighting | The Question | The Concern | The Explanation | The Star Wars Debate The Phone Call | The Holiday Thursday | The Rain Check | The First Freak Out | The TwistThe Second Freak Out | The Clarification | The Confusion
I had finally had enough. The back and forth, up and down, side to side. I couldn't handle it anymore. We had to talk, and I had a feeling it wasn't going to be pretty. Images danced in my head of freak outs and angry shouts. Of surprising declarations of love. Of chick flick-esque moments that every girl dreams of having after years of watching romantic comedies.
I had timed it carefully. A casual suggestion to get together on Friday after work, as I wanted to talk to him about something.. Since I wanted the conversation to be in person and not over the phone or text, Friday night was optimal. I wasn't working on Friday, so I didn't have to worry about him constantly stopping by my desk and trying to have the conversation in the middle of the office.
As the day neared a close, I kept an eye on the time. I caught him right as he was heading out.
"Hey, quick question," I said, stopping him in the hallway.
"What's up?"
"Are you doing anything after work tomorrow?"
"Other than going to the gym, probably not."
"Do you want to hang out? I have something I want to talk to you about."
"Well, why don't we talk about it right now." Right now? "Let's take a walk."
So we took a walk.
We headed down the hall and outside of the building, as I took time to gather my thoughts. Once we were clear of any prying ears, he turned to me.
"So what's up?"
"I'm trying to figure out how to say this."
"What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble?"
"No, you're not in trouble."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"So what is it?"
"I just...you remember that conversation we had last week? Where you said you hadn't ever really considered dating me because we work together and I told you that calling all the time and texting and stuff made me think otherwise?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I guess...I just, I need you to back off. Like I said last week, if you don't want to date me, that's fine. But you still act like you do. I've been in this type of situation before. I always end up being the girl that guys love to hang out with all the time and pour their heart out to and I end up falling for them and getting my heart broken. It's happened too many times before and I'm not willing to let it happen again."
"Okay..."
"I still want to hang out with you and I do enjoy talking and texting and stuff, but with how much it happens and stuff...I'm in serious danger of falling for you and I won't put myself through that situation again. I have other guy friends I could do this with and I'd be fine, but I can't with you. If you weren't so sweet or funny or attractive, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard, but it is."
"Aww...do you have a crush on me?"
"No. But I could if things continue the way they are. And since you made it clear last week that you don't want to date me, I'm going to stop this now before I get myself hurt again."
"But I like hanging out with you and talking to you and stuff."
"I know. I do, too. And I'm not saying it has to stop. I just need you to tone it down."
By this time, we had arrived up at the visitor's parking lot where his neighbor was waiting to pick him up.
"If you want to talk about it more later, give me a call," I said. He got in the car, we waved goodbye and he drove off. I walked back to the office and sighed. That's not how I wanted to have the conversation. That's not how I wanted it to go. But then again, when does anything ever go according to plan?
As I drove home a bit later, my phone buzzed with a message from Office Boy.
Text me when you're able to talk.
I sighed. Why does this have to be so complicated? I continued my drive home and thought about exactly how to say what I wanted to say and get my point across. I had dinner with my family and tried not to overanalyze the situation too much and then finally, when there was nothing else I could really do to put off the conversation, sent him a text message.
Ready when you are.
A little while later, my phone rang.
"Hey," I said as I answered.
"Hi," he said.
"So...what about this doesn't make sense to you?"
"None of it, really."
"Ok. Well, like I said earlier, it's not that I don't like talking to you or hanging out or anything like that. If anything, I like it too much. You should take this as a compliment."
"The fact that you don't want to talk to me and hang out with me as much is a compliment?"
"Well, not really. But the reason why I don't want to talk to you and hang out with you as much is a compliment. If you weren't so sweet and funny and attractive and such, it wouldn't be an issue. But it's really hard for a girl to keep her emotions in check when a guy like you is telling her that talking to her makes him happy and that he likes calling her and hanging out with her. And when he is calling all the time and texting all the time and wanting to hang out constantly. As I said, I'm in serious danger of falling for you but I cannot let myself hurt again. I won't let it happen."
"But why do you think I'm so sweet and stuff?"
"Because you are! It's not normal for guys to say the kinds of things you say unless they like a girl."
"It isn't?"
"No!" By this point I was getting frustrated. How could he not see that those things came across as a desire to be more than friends?
"Oh."
"It seems like you like me, and I'm not the only one who's noticed. People around the office have their suspicions, too."
"But I still don't understand why you think I'm so sweet. Those things are just normal. I do like talking to you and calling you and hanging out with you."
"And that's fine. But your sweetness puts me in danger of falling for you and I'm not willing to put myself through this situation again."
"Can't you just not?"
"Not what?"
"Fall for me."
"No. I can't. I can't just turn off my feelings. I can't separate things into boxes like you can. That's not how I function. Trust me...if I could turn off my emotions, I would."
"I won't break your heart. I promise."
"You can't promise that."
"But I won't."
"You can't promise that. You can promise that you'll try your best not to, but you can't promise that you won't. The Boy Who Smashed My Heart said he wouldn't hurt me like The Boy Who Broke My Heart Did. And he didn't. But he hurt me far, far worse. So you can't promise that you won't break my heart, because you don't know. You can try not to, but that's not something you can promise."
"I'll do my best not to. And I'll do whatever you need me to do, even though I don't understand."
"I just need you to back off. It doesn't mean you can't text or call, just not all the time. I need some space to separate myself from this."
"Okay."
"Well, I need to get going. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
I hung up the phone and sighed. I could feel the tears coming, hot and fast. I swallowed hard and forced myself to push them back, wiping away the few stray ones that escaped.
Just once. Just once, I thought, I'd like to have a relationship without all this drama.
----------
Check back
Like what you're reading? Like me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter!
