The Truth About Postpartum (Part 1)

I first want to state that this post is strictly my personal experience and belief.  Every person experiences things differently and I just wanted to share the not so pretty side of things.So here we go...
Prior to having kids,when I heard women talk about postpartum depression I thought it was something thatwas made up for attention.  I mean reallyhow can you all of a sudden be depressed after having a baby.  Didn’t make sense to me.Then as I was gettingolder with friends and family members having kids and hearing that some ofthose women experienced postpartum, I instantly thought well maybe they arejust weak.It still didn’t makesense to me.Then I got pregnantwith the lil lady.  And I was one ofthose women that had a very easy pregnancy and an even easier birth! I was overthe moon in love.  She was perfect. Shewas an excellent baby and even though I was tired, I was able to keep my cool.
 The hubs and Idecided to try for another lil one and we were blessed to get prego rightaway.  From the moment the stick turnedpositive I was sicker than a Dog for 18 weeks straight. It was horrible. By thetime I was starting to feel better was just about the time I was growinguncomfortably big. This pregnancy was the Pits. I was excited for our lil man to arrive and I was definitelydone being prego.Once again we were blessedwith an easy and quick delivery of a very healthy lil man.  He was also perfect, but this time I felt different.
 I didn’t have thatglow that new mothers should have.  Thehubs and I decided that it was best for him to stay with the lil lady at homewhile I had one on one time with the lil man in the hospital.I was alone. I was exhausted.  And I cried...A lot.This time around Iwas a Mess.  A Hot Mess.Once we arrived athome I thought things would improve, but with time they only got worse.  I couldn’t keep up with his appetite, so Istarted pumping after every feeding to increase my supply and while thatworked, my whole day was spent on the couch either feeding or pumping and notbeing able to spend any time with my lil lady. 
I was struggling.
I decided to strictlypump from that moment on and that was working Great, but my milk was decreasingrather rapidly.  I was stressed,emotional, exhausted...like I said, A Hot Mess. I was feeling extremelyresentful.  I was taken away from my lillady, my hubby, my routine, my sleep, the outside.  And all I kept thinking was how madly in loveI was with my lil man, but I felt so angry.I cried a lot. ALLTHE TIME.  I am very grateful the hubswas at home helping me out. My hormones were all over the place.  I was in a different world.  I was unhappy.Even though I waswithin arms distance of my lil lady, I missed her.  Even though my hubs was always within reach,I missed him.  I missed my day to dayroutine.  I missed the outside world.
I was getting frustrated.
The sadness and anger was becoming overwhelming.
It was replacing the joy and happiness.
I thought as time passed that things would get better, but there was no end in sight.  I felt like I had no control over my emotions.  I knew I was acting irrational and yet, I couldn't stop or change any of my behavior.  I was powerless.
It was finally starting to make sense.
to be continued...