The hubs and the lillady became BFF and it was such a joy to watch them bond, but my heart wasbreaking over the loss of the relationship I had with my lil lady. I made the decisionto transition to formula after 3 months so that I could slowly get back intothe routine of balancing being mommy and work. I was NOT ready to go back to work. In fact, I would still cry randomly and felt completely out of control.But I had to go back, so I went...still amess...still in another world...and still unhappy.I went along in myday to day acting like everything was ok and things were getting better, butinside I felt like I was screaming to get out of my own skin.I had several peoplereach out and ask why I distanced myself, why I never responded to emails,phone calls or texts...but I never responded.I was embarrassed andashamed.How did I become oneof those weak women???I didn’t want to letanyone in my worldAfter about 6 monthsI was not improving. In fact, my usuallymild anxiety was stronger, more intense and in full effect. I was now being controlled by my anxiety anddepression.Flash forward to July2011, the lil man is almost 10 months old and things are more manageable. We have a routine set in place. We wereadjusted and settled.Yet, I was still inthe same dark place.
The hubs and I wereheading up north to a good friends wedding on the weekend of 4th ofJulyAnd this is where Iam extremely Grateful I married my best friend.It was this weekendwhere he took my hand in the car and looked me in the eye and said“I think you need tosee someone. You are not getting anybetter.”
A huge sigh of relief overtook my body.He was concerned. He recognized I hadn’t been myself for 10LONG months. He knew I was strugglingand he cared enough to tell me. I can’t imagine howhard it must be to tell someone you love those words.When we came backhome, I scheduled an appointment to see someone.Since I knew I wasgoing to be a basket case, I decided to have the Hubs write down what hewitnessed during my “episodes” and to document my behavior.When I got to the droffice I was crying and a huge messAdmitting defeat isnot an easy thing to do.I handed her theletter from the Hubs, sat on the paper table and continued to cry.She said this wascommon and most definitely associated with my hormones as a result of thebirth. As much as this eased my brain, Istill wanted it fixed.
She prescribedmedication.The hubs and I areusually against using meds for various reasons, but we both recognized thatthis was necessary for the interim.I was able to relax. Totake a step back. To enjoy the smallmoments with kiddos. To gain control of myself and my emotions. And to be the mom I was and desperately wanted to be.
Although I am still awork in progress I can honestly say that I am finally feeling like myself.I stopped taking themedication.I am happy and I am so incredibly in love with my kiddos andmy hubs.
This is experiencewas TOUGH. There was nothing I couldhave done to prevent it. It hit like aton of bricks. And now it makes perfect sense. This is a serious issue and tonsof women experience postpartum. This is not something made up and its definitelyNOT for weak women. This is just something uncontrollable that happens.
So this is my apologyto those that were affected by my behavior in 2011. I am sorry for ignoring the calls, texts andemails. I am sorry for always having anexcuse to not show up to an event. I amsorry I was quick to snap. I am sorry Iwas not very social. I am sorry if Imade you feel like you did something wrong because chances are you didn't. I am sorry for the person I became.I thank you forsticking by me. I thank you for checkingin on me. I thank you for continuing toinvite me out and about. I thank you forcaring. I thank you for understanding. I thank you for having patience. I thank you for accepting ALL of me. I thank you for all the love youpossess.
And thank you for being YOU.
I decided to write this to give anyone going through this hope and support. I wanted other moms to know that this is something that just happens and you are not alone. If you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or any advice, I am here.
