If I never write this post, Trevor didn't die.
That's how my brain works.
If I just keep finding reasons to stall, then the Trevor of my mind is still alive- sitting on a sofa, smiling a second before his wife laughs. He knows her and he loves her, and in my mind, I tell Dave what I tell him every time we have a couples date with these people. We are so lucky to know them. We are so lucky to be surrounded by people who inspire us.
But Dave isn't here anymore, and neither is Trevor.
On 04-13-2016, in what must have been a totally impulsive decision whilst wrestling with depression, Trevor killed himself.
Trevor was husband and best friend to Iona- one of the most amazing women I've ever met- and father to Dorian- one of the happiest children I've ever seen.
Iona is facing disarray, similar to the one I've faced if such things are ever similar. More than anything, I want to buy her and Dorian what I could not afford for myself, but what circumstance granted me anyway:
time.
Time to sit and be still. Time to not work or worry on bills. Time to love and heal. At the very least, I'd like to repay what she and Trevor gifted to Dave and myself when we had nothing, so I'm sharing in hopes that it comes close to the $500 I owe her and her family. The $500 they handed us without ever asking if I committed the crime I was accused of, without ever asking what I was going to do with the money, without ever asking for it to be returned. A gift out of trust and love, without cause or expectation.
This is her GoFundMe- please give if you can: https://www.gofundme.com/287r6fp3
And this poem- well, this is for Dorian and anyone else who needs it.
With love from Rara...
and Dave.
The Upside-Down Tree
Not everyone believes,
but I'm an upside-down tree.
you send 'em to me.
Two opposite things can be true
at a time...
or even four opposites!
Or was it
just
three?
All I know
is what I know...
All I know is me.
I'm growing down.
I
am
a
... but if someone needs examples made,you send 'em straight to me.
tree.
My leaves grow out,
my roots grow in,
I grow every way but up.
Not everyone trusts an opposite.
Not everyone agrees.
Even when the sun is out,
the moon still shines so bright.
There's darkness to be found
in every single light,
and always a little nighttime
in every single dawn.
And when someone you love leaves you,
they're never really gone.
but of course they do.
You are YOU.
you send 'em to me.
And you know that often
two opposites are true.
And mail it to me.
But the world is so round,
and life is round, too,
and no matter the others,
You are still YOU.
And you know
both sides of opposites
are true.
Some people still think
that all trees grow up,
but I didn't, you see.
I am the giant
upside-down tree.
I want you to grow
as well as can be,
and you send 'em to me.
whichever direction matters not
to me.
Remember there's many ways
to grow tall and free-
Your someone is gone
and loss makes you feel blue,
but here is another opposite that's true:
Your loss makes you part of me,
because I've lost love too.
I am the giant upside-down tree,
undying,
all-reaching.
Sharing,
with you.
So you, too, are big.
(Believe me, it's true.)
And if ever your tears
make it hard to see...
But I am not the whole tree,
you are a part.
So no matter how heavy,
I am holding your heart.
Exercise your heart-
be loving and kind.
Greet life with a wide and open mind.
Most people have losses
they've locked behind doors...
and if you carry theirs,
they'll help carry yours.
And both hearts will be stronger
and the world will be too-
because you chose to grow.
What a brave thing to do.
And if you have fears
that creep into your dreams.
Fears made of teeth
and screech- screech screams,
catch any and all that you can see,
Then send them packing.
I am the great big upside-down tree.
I see things differently.
I see silence in sound.
When someone is lost,
your heart keeps them found.
So let's see your heart muscles.
Show me your brave.
Let's see how much world
you can carry and save..
But if you need help,
or to differently see.
I'm here, little one.
You come to me.