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These days I've been feeling both completely submerged in motherhood and totally disconnected from time, which is both a beautiful and frustrating place to find oneself. My sense of passing minutes and hours seems to have been replaced by unwavering motherly instincts, leaving me to measure out my days in diapers and feedings and baths rather than by a conventional clock. My body's cues let me know that Lucien is hungry minutes before he does. I wake from my nap just as Biet is waking from hers. I eat when they eat (which usually means drinking down a green smoothie in bed while they tandem nurse), sleep when they sleep (even if that means turning in at night when the hour hand still hovers in the single digits), and try my best to somehow get everyone outdoors every once in awhile to frolic through the city. It's an inexplicable and amazing synchronicity that my children and I have forged, and one that is all-consuming.
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Yes, this parent-of-two thing is a lot of work, and these days haven't been the easiest. There have been tears, both on my part and theirs. There have been meltdowns. There have been moments when I think that I just can't do it and am sure that by the end of the day I will most definitely have been driven mad. But then the moment passes, the crying stops, the children sleep, and the end of the day comes. And I have only been driven more madly in love with my son and my daughter.
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These days, if you catch me on the street, wearing a newborn and pushing a toddler in a stroller down the busy city sidewalk, I will most likely have dark circles under my eyes, milk stains on my shirt, and a smile on my face. I will definitely be running between 45 minutes to 2 hours late for something, and Biet's face will surely be covered in food. But I'll tell you that I'm doing great. Because you know what? I think I am.
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I'm doing it; not perfectly, but with all that I've got. These days have been full of lessons to be learned- lessons in selflessness, sacredness, patience, and balance. I feel that since giving birth this second time, I have grown so much, both within myself as well as in my relationship with Gaby. Life is forcing this growth, and I know that it is only the beginning. My priorities have become clearer, my love has deepened, and my confidence as a mother and wife has soared. Even when it feels like everything is crashing down around me- when both of the kids are screaming, Biet just found and ate a whole bag of chocolate chips, there's baby poop on my shirt, Nico hasn't been walked in hours, and I feel as though I've been tortured by sleep deprivation- I remember that this is a chance for growth. And I tell myself that I am capable. And then, it turns out that I am.
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These days, these early days and weeks raising two littles, will only happen once. They will never be this small again, and this synchronicity that we have is such a sacred bond. Nurturing this bond means more to me than anything, so I'm ok with being a little late, a little unkempt, and a little tired in order to do that. And as for those dark circles and milk stains- well I can honestly say that I now wear them proudly.
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**the blog may be quiet for a few days as our hard drive just died and our house has come down with yet another cold. While we try desperately to salvage photos from our crashed computer (everything since Biet's birth was in there!), ill be blogging from my phone when I can. Please wish us luck and send your good thoughts our way!
xx
