This post should probably be called, things they don’t tell you when you hit middle age…
But that would mean the title would have middle age in it and I am just not ready to commit like that.
So I have used my eyelids for the title, because…ya.
I never noticed this before, at least if I have, I have successfully blocked it out until now, but this morning just after I woke up, and before I had consumed even a drop of that transfusion we call coffee…I made the mistake of looking in the mirror.
I wanted to pretend that it was just a dream, that the vision in the mirror wasn’t really me and there was no way in hell that my eyes were doing what they appeared to be doing….
I mean, why doesn’t anyone warn you about things like your eyelids falling? Seriously…wouldn’t it be good to be prepared for stuff like that ahead of time?
They tell you about gray hair…but then leave out the part that tells you that your gray hair is in no freaking way going to be like your normal hair. It’s going to be like pubic hair growing OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!! I mean who needs that shit when you are getting old…it’s hard enough already!!
They don’t tell you about the random facial hair that will pop up, in what appears to be ONE day. You go to work in the morning and come home, and then in just that right light on just the right angle, you see an inch long black hair that you know for 100% sure was not there when you put your makeup on that day…how many people saw that shit, how many people were like…whoa, girlfriend needs some laser work? I die a little inside.
And why do I have pimples worse than I had them as a teenager? How the hell is that fair? Can’t you keep the teenage problems to being a damn teenager. I am FIFTY bloody years old…bugger off!!! I do not have time for problems that should have gone away when I was 18. I have hot flashes to deal with for Christ’s sake.
And why are we not MADE to drink nine glasses of water a day from the time we are little??? At least then we would be used to the ritual of drinking so much water, and by the time you hit 50 and pretty much have to drink that much water to retain any moisture at all in your body, your bladder would be used to it. I am not even going to touch the obvious issue you are all thinking about right now…
I am also holding out hope that the Depends situation can wait until I am in my late 70’s or preferably…never. I will just get used to spending half my life in the bathroom going pee because I have just consumed 15 gallons of water to stay alive and hydrated.
And here is to hoping that when I do have to hold it for a second longer than I should, that I don’t EVER have to cough or sneeze…seriously.
Someone needs to write a handbook that everyone receives for their 40th birthday. It will be mandatory to read. You can laugh all you want, but this shit is real, and it’s coming for you…
Maybe I need to write that book.
If only I can keep my eyelids out of the damn way…
