To You,
I am afraid of you. I am afraid of the power you still wield in my life. And that upsets me for several reasons.
I’m upset because I can’t go a day without thinking about you, without thinking of a memory, or getting into my car and seeing your belongings in bags in my backseat. I want them gone, but I don’t want them in my bedroom. I don’t think I could handle the idea of things I once loved being so close to me as I slept, leaving me with nightmares. Or maybe dreams that only leave a broken heart at the first sign of dawn.
I’m afraid of you because of the power I’ve given you, power that you know nothing about.
I don’t know why I’ve given you that power, and why should you have that power over my life? You shouldn’t — but for some reason you have it. Maybe because I’m hoping for something– hoping for friendship, hoping you’ll give me the right words to move on from you, from us, from all the chaos that seems to have ensued.
But I know you won’t give me those words like you gave them to yourself.
Congratulations are in order, by the way. I’ve heard that you’re never sad, that you’re always happy. You seem to be able to connect with people now, I’m guessing when you look people in the eye you no longer feel a disconnect. I’m happy for you, at least I think I am.
To be honest, I’m feeling everything because of you. It all comes back to you and this struggle for power. But the struggle is only with me, and I don’t know how to win. I don’t know how to regain control over the memories (Remember that first night I went to Shadowbrook, and we watched “Lord of the Rings” and it was way too loud but I was too shy to tell you to turn it down? Or that time I walked past you to go inside to see you only to have you sitting with your parents? I was so nervous around your parents, but they are great people. I guess I’m just shy).
I wish I knew what was going on within your synapses, the way they fire. What is your secret to having moved on within two weeks? How did you walk away from a three year relationship and two weeks later tell me that you’re “happier than ever”? How can that be? If you have a secret, please, tell me.
Tell me how you are so happy? Was I a terrible person and all this a relief, a breath of fresh air? Was I too intense? Was my hope, my love, my life too intense? Was I too much to take?
I live on answers, you know. You know I need answers to move forward, but I don’t know if my heart can take hearing once again that it only took you a few hours from the time you thought of breaking up to the time you made the decision.
I do respect your decision to say you no longer saw a future for us, I respect that with every beat of my heart. But you are friends with all your other lovers, why are we to have no friendship? Why did you decide within two weeks that we were never to be friends?
What is your secret to have said “I’m happy we’re both struggling at the same time so that we can enjoy happiness together” to quitting a month later. Was it easier for you to walk away than to try, than to take a stand?
What has lead you to find happiness instantaneously? If so happy, and so over it, why do you seek to avoid me? Do you think it makes me easier for me to move past this when I still see you struggling?
I’m left struggling with myself: would I find this easier if you were in my face, happy, proud of all before you or easier if you remain aloof, distant, and beyond my reach?
I think I need a medium. I need to call the shots, to feel in control again. You always gave me that. A chance to feel in control of one thing, a date, a phone call, or a choice of movie.
I harbor no ill will, I just have so many questions in my head. And I wish you’d answer so many more. But maybe that would be hard for you, but you appear so well composed and happy in every way– why should my questions bother you stand so tall and strong.
Dear You,I’m sorry. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I wasn’t everything you hoped me to be.
But in the end you weren’t exactly who you promised to be either: a protector of all things evil, the champion of my heart, and the one who could comfort me with a single word. You let your promises fall as broken glass to the ground, you left me to pick up the pieces when you walked away. You walked away giving me no handle: no broom to sweep up, no bucket to toss the shards.
You left me grasping at straws while you smiled with your ice blue eyes.
I know what I deserve now: I deserve to take back the power you have over me, and I deserve answers– on my terms.
You did what you did on your terms, it’s mine now. It’s my turn to call the shots.
