Today I woke up feeling broken
Unfixable and unretrievably broken
I wanted you there,
I wanted our baby still inside me
I wanted our future to be sketched out, rough and messy, but achievable
I thought I had all of those things sorted, I thought I had finally found the light at the end of my tunnel
Everything felt right
Scary, but right
Then it all got torn away
And now I feel you slipping away for good,
You say it’s just going back to where we were,
before all the fantasies and dreams felt like they were coming true
That it’s just several steps backwards, but still heading in the same direction
I guess for me, I didn’t realize how much I loved the stability
Enjoyed feeling like I was yours and yours only
Thinking about you becoming a parent with me brought me so much happiness and joy that words will never be enough to describe
I wanted that white picket fence and happy family in the park, having picnics with doggos and babies like we always see
I wanted that with you with every fiber of my being,
I whispered it to CC whenever I went for morning or evening walks,
Smiling at all the happy families thinking how that would be us in a few months time
And now, now I have to go back to us, to you, dating other people?
To pretending that dream wasn’t achievable or realistic.
How am I meant to be ok with that, when one second you were going to be the father of my child?
I knew I loved you before I knew we were going to be parents,
But you only said it after you found out we were going to be parents
so now that’s no longer happening, does that mean the love you had for me dies with it?
did that love just get violently torn from your heart, like the baby from my body?
for me, my love didn’t,
and I guess the hardest part of loving you with every fiber of my being, is knowing that I’m not enough for you to love the same
It would be stupid to think my heart could handle how deeply i feel for you in isolation of you being with other people,
I can’t
It would be wrong for me to ask for you to curb your desires and needs and restrict yourself to just me
When I know you can’t
So instead, I guess I have to make the decision to just set you free to be with whoever you wish and find that person that is enough for you
We both know I’m not it,
I’m not tall enough
or tanned enough
or cultured enough
and right now,
i’m broken and barely a human
let alone a human worth loving
