Trying to Make Sense...

I try to make sense of it all and I just can't. I can't understand why this 20 year old young man would want to take the life of his own mother, and then take the lives of so many children and staff at the Newtown elementary school in Connecticut. For once I am truly feeling a flood of emotions. It hurts in places I didn't know I had in my heart. On one hand, I am truly angry because this happened. I am angry because this young man should have been able to get the help he needs. There is speculation that he suffered from a severe mental illness, but I know in my mind that no one can do such a thing if they weren't severely disturbed and deranged. You cannot be in your right mind and take so many lives, your mother's, and then your own. A part of me is angry because I don't know how we can make schools any safer for these students and teachers. I saw so many talk about armed guards, mace in teacher's desks, tazers, even armed principals. I think that would stepping a bit on the extreme side. I don't know that any teachers wants to graduate from college and begin teaching with a tazer in their desks. We can have metal detectors, bullet proof glass, permanent lock downs, or hidden SWAT officers, but the truth is, violence is all around us, even in our schools. I am angry because I want to keep every innocent child safe, but I can't possibly do that.

via abc.com

On the other hand, I am deeply saddened. I am saddened because its Christmas and parents should be buying gifts for their children and planning the days leading up to Christmas on their child's vacation. Children should be laughing and giggling and wreaking havoc because they are so excited that Santa is coming. There are 20+ homes that won't be doing that this year. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel as an aunt. I have a niece who is the closest thing to a daughter to me, and all I want for her is to be safe, happy, and healthy. I cannot imagine being a parent and hearing such an event occur and not know what is happening to my son or daughter. I had no baby to hold last night, but I sure did hold my husband tight. I asked him why this would happen and what would we do if this happened to us. We have always been back and forth when it came to having children. Not really if we will, but when and what kind of parents we would want to be. I just cannot imagine sending my child to school and having this happen. It definitely shook me up! I can't say I enjoyed much of my day yesterday, or much of today for that matter. I just keep feeling waves of sadness and anger, confusion and disgust.

via abc.com

I just want to understand somehow. I have prayed long and hard and I have come to accept that I just never will understand. I don't think we need a reason as much as those parents, families, and especially the gunman's family needs. I always feel for them too because I know they carry around guilt and hurt for the rest of their lives too. Its truly a tragedy on all sides. I can't say there's a side less tragic than the other. For me, violence is never the answer even if it calls for reciprocation. I feel that as a Christian, I should not only be a peace maker, but a peace seeker. I should always be looking for ways to seek peace and understanding. I seek it in the Lord, and I seek it in my everyday life. As a human services major, I also desperately want to help those who feel they have no way out. I know it may seem morbid, but I think the gunman should have been receiving extensive care and should have had some avenue to deal with his deep seeded issues. Someone who kills their mother obviously needed extensive mental health treatment. How and when did it break? What happened that made him snap? 
I think today I am still processing, asking questions, and concluding my own analysis of why this happened, or what may have triggered it. My heart breaks for those involved and I hope you all can find peace in holding your loved ones and being grateful that they are there with you. I know I will. 
Our hearts are with you Connecticut.
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