When All You Have Is Faith

Seeing that stick to the left FINALLY say "Pregnant" was a feeling beyond anything I could ever explain. After staring at months of blank tests - squinting and trying to make a line appear...to finally have it happen is so overwhelming. You can't really believe it at first. You are excited and jumping around...
And then reality sinks in and, if you're me, you become terrified. 
After we lost the pregnancy last Fall, I wanted to embrace this new blessing, but I was totally overcome with fear. I tried to fake it for the first week, but when I went in to my first check up, things went downhill. They couldn't find anything on the ultrasound and when they looked at my HCG levels, they thought they were really low...aka another miscarriage may be on the way. I went home in tears. They told me to come back the next week and they would see if my HCG was doubling properly and if anything appeared on the ultrasound.
That day I called and told my sister about the baby. She told me about Psalms 91 and explained that the Bible study she was currently in was so applicable to what was happening with me. We didn't think it was any coincidence and right then, she made the commitment to call me every day, read Psalms 91 and then pray over the baby. The next week, there was a little sac forming in my stomach.
That week, I began spotting. The sight of any blood when you are pregnant is scary. They brought me back in and decided that it was ok and the baby wasn't in any harm. After that, I've spotted the majority of my pregnancy. I can't exercise at all and I can't be out and about. It makes me feel so lazy and so out of shape, but any day I have pushed it, I start to bleed again.
What I had to realize is that God is controlling my pregnancy. All of this is in His hands. No amount of worrying or crying is going to keep this little baby alive. I honestly have nothing but my faith and trust to lean on. It is so frightening to feel like there is nothing in the world you can do to protect your unborn child. Yes, you can eat right and take your vitamins, but when it comes down to it, that baby coming into the world at the end of 40 weeks is totally NOT up to you. With every day that passes, every ultrasound where I see a beating heart and wiggling baby, I cry out in thanks for another day. I've had to make the decision that I will be joyful for every minute I have with this little life inside me, instead of living in fear of something that may never happen.
Some women get scared about sharing their pregnancy publicly...I knew that if I lost this baby, I would mourn publicly, so what difference did it make if I shared my news at 12 weeks or 16. I cannot keep dwelling on the negative possibilities...I have to just focus on the happiness and excitement that is supposed to come with a new blessing.
One other thing I wanted to share. If you are a military family, you are all too familiar with military healthcare. Ft. Carson has a good OB Clinic from what we heard, so we made the decision that I would continue to go on base throughout the pregnancy. This would help us to avoid co-pays and expenses since everything is covered if you go on base. What isn't so great about on base healthcare, is that you get what they give you.
I was told that since I wasn't having twins or a high risk pregnancy, I would be passed among midwives over the 9 months. On my second appointment, they forgot I was in the examination room and left me back there for 2 hours. I think they felt bad, so they sent in an actual doctor. He was so kind and listened to my fears. In order to make me feel better he said I could come in the next week if I wanted just so I could be reassured that the baby was ok. I was so grateful to him. He continued to see me the next two times.
The night before my final appointment, I said a prayer to God, asking if there was any way possible, if I could keep my doctor and not be sent back to the midwives. I was supposed to schedule my 11 week appointment the next day, and I had been informed that I could no longer see the doctor who had been taking me. At the end of my appointment, Ryan and I thanked the doctor for all the kindness he had shown us over the past few weeks. I told him I was sad he wouldn't be my doctor anymore. He looked at me and said, "Go out to my admin to schedule your next appointment. I'll be taking you on as my patient." I stared at him and said "What?"
"You're 'high risk' " and he winked at me.
As he closed to door I just looked at Ryan and said "That was Jesus."
The Army is very bare bones. They are all about saving money. No extra appointments, no added ultrasounds, midwives all around...my doctor did not have to do that, but he did.
And I know it was an answer to prayer. No matter what you are going through in your life, God's got you. I think we underestimate how much He cares for us or to what extent of detail. He has proven to me over the past few months that no thing is too small to ask for. He may not always say yes, but when He does, it is the absolute best feeling and comfort in the entire world.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?...You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."- Matthew 6:30,33


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