I have a confession to make.
I'm failing.
At pretty much everything.
I know that it probably doesn't look like it when you see my Instagram photos, or scroll through my pins, or read my Facebook updates or blog posts, or watch my YouTube videos.
But I am.
I'm drowning in it all...in life, in motherhood, in blogging...and in trying to juggle all three of those things at once.
I feel as though my life right now is like Groundhog Day...every day I wake up and go through the same old motions, trying to reach the same goals, cross the same things off my to do list...
And every night I go to sleep having the same epiphany about how all these deadlines and tasks don't really matter, because it's all about the kids and spending quality time with them...
I promise myself that tomorrow will be different...tomorrow I'll be present in the moment, and I won't worry about the blog stuff or the deadlines...
But then I wake up, and Groundhog Day starts all over again...
And on it goes.
The same old thing, every single day.
Those To-Do lists never get any shorter...just as soon as I cross one task off, I add on another two.
The emails are never answered - just as soon as I deal with today's 10, tomorrows 20 are there waiting for responses.
The mommy guilt is never eased - no sooner have I done a nice baking activity or had a movie night with the kids, then it's suddenly the next day and a fresh steaming pile of guilt is piled upon me because I haven't spent enough time with them on that particular day...
Blogging is my job and I am so grateful that it gives me the opportunity to work from home so that I can be around my kids, but sometimes I feel like I'm getting it all wrong...
I worry that the mommy blogging side of my life takes over the Being Mummy side too much...I find myself getting stressed out when the kids won't play with the toy I need them to because I need to photograph it for a review....
I find myself cutting clips that I love out of videos because they're "too long for Youtube" when actually they are clips that I love of my children so why am I sacrificing our family memories for the sake of some Youtube hits?!...
Lately I've even had to stop myself from deleting photos of them because the lighting is wrong or the clarity isn't good enough...because I find that my brain is so tuned in to what is "good enough" for the blogging world instead of what is good enough for me, for us, for our family...
And I find that it's actually very difficult to distinguish between those two things these days..,
The blogging world is becoming increasingly more and more about the perfect image, the perfect lighting, the perfect shot....doing those perfect craft and baking activities from Pinterest....buying those perfect Instagram-worthy trendy outfits for the kids...
And I worry that I'm losing myself in it all....
Sometimes I wonder if I even truly LIKE the things that I think I like, or if I've just been programmed by the blogosphere to think that I do....
I used to laugh at how samey the black & white living rooms on Instagram and the Monogram Initial mugs from Anthropologie were....now I find myself buying the same things that I used to scoff at...but is it because I really want them? Or because I think I HAVE to have them to be part of the right crowd, to "fit in"...
And I worry that those same blurred lines are creeping in to my life as a mother too....because I find myself constantly comparing the way we live to those lives I see everyday on social media and blogs...I compare our messy living room to the clutter-free ones on Instagram, I compare my kids messy dinner-stained faces to those perfectly clean tots eating lentil and quinoa bakes online...and instead of being able to shrug it off as unrealistic, I find myself thinking that WE are not enough...that I'm not doing a good enough job as a Mum...
I'm finding it increasingly hard to know where the line is between Blogging and Real World...and where to draw the line between work and home life, too.
Because the thing is...this is my living, I HAVE to dedicate some time to it....but I feel guilty when I have to choose work over time with the kids. As though that HAS to be the wrong choice to make, despite the fact that we need the money I bring in.
And I find that when you actually enjoy what you do for work...those feelings of guilt are increased.
I love what I do...I love writing...the time I spend doing it does not feel like a chore because I get so much enjoyment from it, but that makes me feel bad..
As though I feel that I don't have the right to enjoy doing something that takes me away from time with my kids...how dare I enjoy that time, how dare I not resent it and spend that time pining for them...what kind of mother am I!
Facebook memes make my guilt all the worse...an endless onslaught of smug quotes about how precious and fleeting their childhood is, and how much I will long to have these years back some day...as though I don't already know these things, as though I don't already feel guilt every second that I'm doing anything other than sitting and staring at them in awe and wonder.
Sometimes I feel as though being a parent and a parent blogger just is not a good mix...as silly as that sounds, because I sometimes feel that it's impossible to do both of these things well, at the same time.
To be a good parent blogger I have to spend time photographing our days out, photographing and sharing our memories, living life behind the lens much of the time....I have to spend time on the computer, writing about my life as their mother when at the same time they are often sitting in the next room crying for me...
Isn't that ironic?
And oh so very guilt inducing.
And to be a good parent I need to step away from the camera, I need not to always be photographing our days out for my blog, I need to just be present in the moment and enjoying the time with them with no other agenda...no ulterior motives, no visiting parks or gardens because they'd make great photos for the blog...just doing things for fun, and without the need to share any of it on social media.
I guess I just haven't found that balance yet...because I feel like no matter what, I can't juggle both of those balls at once...I feel like one of them always ends up dropping.
And it would be easy to say that it's the blogging that has to take the back seat, but this is our income...it's what puts food on their plates and clothes on their backs...it isn't that easy, even if I didn't enjoy it.
I try to change things...I try to work after they go to sleep, so that I can be with them during the days instead...but then I don't eat dinner until gone midnight most evenings, I'm up until 5 am and then I miss time with them in the mornings while I sleep until 10 because I'm exhausted and if I don't then I'm tired and grumpy and no fun to be around.
Sometimes I feel that I'm the only one who can't keep her head above the water...because it seems like everyone around me is swimming pretty well.
I can float pretty good...I can make it look like I'm not drowning...but at the same time, I'm not really getting anywhere either...
I'm just treading water, trying to keep from going under.
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