But then there's a part of me who feels she needs to reach out, there's a part of me who just wants to maybe hear the words, "I understand" or even put into practice any advice anyone may have. There's a big part of me who perhaps relies on the online community of Mums, in the form of readers, subscribers and other bloggers and vloggers for support when I feel I sometimes don't really know where else to turn.
I truly believe that honesty is the absolute best policy when it comes to life. I'm not the sort of person to hide my feelings or pretend I'm someone I'm not, what's the point? If I'm struggling with myself I'm happy to admit it, if I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed I'll always say. But writing down that I'm struggling (big time) with my boys behavior at the moment, makes me almost feel quite bad.
I mean don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to bad behaviour, hey us parents all know that that's part and parcel of being a parent. If you want the good times, you gotta take the bad. But at the moment, the bad behavior just seems to be hugely outweighing the good.
I think it's been building up for a while, I think I've just been brushing it off thinking well that's a three year old for you, or that's a one year old. But it's silently been getting me down. It feels as if every moment is a moment for bad behavior at the moment. It feels like all I can ever hear is crying and shouting, even when it's not really there, it's almost echoing in my head.
I was editing a day in the life video I made at the weekend last night. I am spending my evenings working a lot because I can't concentrate during the day when it's my time to work, my head's a mess trying to work out what I can do differently to make things feel a little calmer around here. Whilst editing, I noticed that Ethan was doing or saying something he shouldn't in every single clip I took throughout the day. I think seeing it in front of me like that hit me hard as I know that that's pretty much what life at home looks like for us with the boys right now.
I don't want to write about every occasion, or even any - I don't feel right doing that. But I'm struggling to know how to pull out any form of good behavior from my eldest at the moment. We've never received a bad complaint from preschool and hardly any from Grandma. But at home, or out, or at swimming, just wherever we are with Ethan, it's a constant battle and there's no signs of it getting any better.
With Logan it's different, of course it is, he's only one, but it's not been much easier even so. Going out with him anywhere is almost impossible. The looks you get when your baby is screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of somewhere aren't particularly welcoming. They don't know though that he's cried pretty much the entire time we're getting ready, the entire car journey, the entire shop and the entire ride home. And that that is just a normal thing. You see, Logan likes going where Logan likes, it's simple really, but not always practical to hit up soft play when really you just need a pint of milk and a loaf of bread.
Without going into many more specifics and making myself feel any worse for publicly complaining about the two people who rule my heart and my world and who even during times that feel as hard as this lately, make me feel too lucky and unbelievably thankful, I just needed to share where my head's been at.
It's been a bit of a struggle watching so many lovely vlogmas videos go up lately from fellow online friends. I love them, they're beautiful videos. I just can't help but feel I am doing something wrong at the moment. It's as hard as hearing parents say that their children have always been a breeze, or that they are so laid-back and chilled. I always recognize that all children have different personalities, but even so I start to turn on myself, asking myself if there's things I should be doing differently. I guess it's the same sort of thing as the way I feel about Ethan's fussy eating.
Adam and I have spoken and we have a plan, we're going to change things up. Try new things. Work through this phase and stay strong. This isn't the sort of post I like to write and it isn't nice to sit here writing so close to tears, but this is my space, this is my Motherhood and this is a chapter of it.
Boys, I know that if you read this one day that you'll get it, especially so if you a parent yourselves (that's a scary thought!). I don't ever want you to browse back through this little space I have created on the web and think parenting is a breeze, because it really isn't (unless you're incredibly lucky, haha!). It's the absolute BEST thing you'll ever do, the absolute best. But sometimes it's a bit like climbing a very tall mountain at three in the morning on no sleep and an empty stomach. What I'm trying to say is, being a parent will make you the happiest you'll ever be, but sometimes it can be quite hard too.
I saw this quote in the back of someones car today. I was rushing back to my car after returning something to Argos. I had Logan crying in my arms and I'd just finished a phone call with Adam, who I could barely hear as Ethan was screaming at him so loud because he'd been really disruptive at swimming and so wasn't allowed a treat from the machine. It kind of felt like someone was giving me a message, and so I thought I would just leave those same words here.
