I know that no one is expecting me to write. I didn’t expect to write.
Sometimes nothing else helps, when there is nothing you can do.
I want to sit here and just spill my guts out, but I don’t know what to say.
How do you fathom someone’s loss of their oldest child? You just can’t. Phyllis is my second friend to go through this in my life, it is just as hard to know what to do today as it was 19 years ago.
There is nothing you can say or do or think that makes it work out ok in your head, is there?
There is nothing that will lighten their burden or lessen their loss.
I have a 20 year old son, the thought of anything happening to him makes me want to die, I don’t know how you live through it when it really happens to you.
Phyllis has been like a sister to me for years, I am not even really sure how many years, it just feels to me like she has always been there. In many ways she has, when no one else was, when no one else gets me, when no one else can grab a hold of me and lead me the right way, she has always been the one that can. She has never judged me, walked away from me or wavered in the friendship she gives me. Ever.
That is a pretty amazing gift to give to someone. I can honestly say she teaches me something new all the time.
She is an amazing Mother, she is an amazing friend…
It is hard to look around and see everyone rushing around for Christmas and spreading goodwill and joy, not feeling that so much this week…just saying.
I know all I can do is be here for her when she comes back home, try and lessen the load for her to work through the next part of life that she will have to deal with, it just doesn’t in any way, feel like it’s enough.
Even though I know she would tell me it is.
I said to her before she left, that I just didn’t know what to do or say. She looked at me and told me, that I was going to raise my boys and help them grow up, and she was going to be with me and watch them grow with me….
Again being my rock when I need to be hers…
I almost feel selfish writing…I don’t want any of this to be about me. It is all about her and what she needs right now. For some reason anything I write makes me feel self serving and shallow.
I am just not really sure how else to work through the grief today. There is no handbook for the shit life throws at the people you love sometimes. So we stumble through it the best way we know how. We hope we can say the right things, and make the right decisions when the time is right to make them.
So forgive me while I blunder my way through what I am feeling and what little I can do, send your love not to me, but to Phyllis…she needs it more than I.
And again…hug your children, tell your spouse you love them, tell your parents how thankful you are to have them…embrace your friends and be thankful for all you have.
Remember how lucky you are to have your kids there to make you crazy, eat all your food and spend all your money…what an amazing thing huh?
We are all blessed to be parents, for as long as we are given…which sometimes is just not long enough at all.
xoxoxo
