I have spent the better part of two years now trying to find myself. That’s right. I am a living cliche…really. Regardless of that fact, it has been my truth for a long time now.
When I started this journey back, I was broken and had no sense of who I was as just me. I actually haven’t known who I am as just me for most of my life. I have been someone’s wife, mother, girlfriend and meal ticket…
There was a moment of clarity for me that was really just a random event…but none the less it made me wonder what the fuck I was doing. Where was my self worth? Where was my self love? Where the hell was I? And why was I letting someone else control my happiness or at the time the lack of it.
It happens over time…you just don’t really notice that you’re gone. You keep busy doing things that will take your mind off of how sad you are, how empty you feel, how lonely you are…even with someone.
You cry and are told you are being overly sensitive and silly. You have nothing to cry about, your life is perfect.
You know it isn’t, but you gloss over it because you have made so many mistakes before you don’t think you are being rational. Ruining other people’s security rules over your happiness…so you carry on. Because it’s easier. Because you don’t want to rock the boat. Because sometimes you are just so tired you don’t think you have one ounce of fight left in you.
Suddenly something happens. Maybe something so small, in hindsight you don’t even really get what made that the pivotal moment…you just know you can’t go back. You just can’t. Keep. Doing it.
And then like a miracle. Like a crack in the clouds…there is light. Hope. Just pure knowing that you CAN do it. That you MUST do it. Before you just disappear. You have to swim to the surface, with a determination that no one can take away.
You have to take the power back.
I’m not going to lie and say this has been an easy journey. I have fought for my life, for my rights, for my piece of mind and mostly for my identity. It’s not easy to change everything about yourself. It’s not easy to break habits you have had forever, it’s not easy to make choices that seem foreign and unattainable. It’s not easy to come back from crushed self esteem.
It’s not easy to love yourself and forgive yourself for choices you have made that maybe weren’t the best for you. It’s hard fucking work to look in and SEE yourself, because maybe you really aren’t going to like what you see.
But finally…there will be another pivotal moment…maybe after a glitch or two. Maybe after you make a few more wrong turns or fallbacks. But there will be change. There will be growth. There will be self love and total forgiveness. And one day you wake up happy.
Like really happy. To be you. To be alive. To have a whole heart again.
You understand, finally…that you are worthy of big love and no one is ever going to use you as a doormat again because now you can see it. You aren’t lonely anymore and settling isn’t ever going to be an option again. The blinders are off, and holy shit it’s bright out there!
I find that I am more selfish…that I can’t carry anyone else’s baggage around anymore. I am too old and it’s too heavy…and I just don’t want to. And that’s okay.
Being really happy is nothing to feel bad about. Looking after and loving yourself doesn’t take away what you give to others…and for once. I come first.
I’ve been told that my Prince Charming is a fantasy…that men like that don’t exist. But they do. And I haven’t lost hope that my best friend is out there. That he is looking for me too. And even if he’s not…I’m good. It won’t stop me from loving. It won’t change who I am now. He has to embrace who I am. Glitches and all. I’m a force. I’m a handful. And I know what I deserve.
You have to be kind of special to take that on. And that’s okay. I can wait.
I’m worth it. I deserve it. I’ve earned it…
And I won’t settle.
I am like a light bulb right now. But I’m done attracting mosquitos…my light is different than it was. And mosquitos are just gonna catch on fire and fall away…
And you know what? That doesn’t make me feel bad anymore like in the past it would have. I can breathe. I can see. I can love.
I have myself back.
Welcome home girl…welcome home.
