First of all, let me begin by apologizing to all of my faithful readers for the lack of posts lately. I kind of disappeared for a little bit, without any notice.
I have been dealing with increasing amounts of anxiety for the past couple of months and have been trying to pull myself together with little success.
Anxiety is no stranger to me, as I have been dealing with it for roughly ten years. I have been on multiple different anxiety medications in my younger years (17-20) and had a long stretch where it was completely under control. I started getting it back a few years ago and ever since, it has been looming over my head.
Since I had Baby J thirteen months ago, my anxiety has been steadily increasing. The first few months were pretty bad. I was nervous, as any new mother is, but it went a little far. So far as to alienate the people I loved the most. It was heart breaking, for me and them.
Once I got into the groove of being a mother, my husband went out of town for seven months. He was home on the weekends, but by the end I started getting extremely anxious for him to come home and be with us. I was tired and needed help. This is when things started to spiral.
Now I am in a place where it is hard for me to do ANYTHING that 'normal people' would do. Things like grocery shopping, traveling, even deciding what to have for dinner make me feel like I can't breathe. I spend a lot of my days doing nothing (except for caring for Baby J, I make sure he is happy and healthy with plenty of activities to do. I am always anxious that I don't do 'enough' for him. He isn't suffering too bad...yet.). I have a hard time being away from my husband and dread it when I have to do so.
I need help.
I saw my new counselor for the first time earlier this week. I have Medicaid, so I had a counselor chosen for me. I am happy it is paid for, but am seriously doubting whether this is going to be effective or not. I am trying to be optimistic, but it is so hard when my anxiety is in control. She seemed to think that we can kick this stupid disorder's butt, and even agreed to do it without medication! I was shocked to hear her say "medication will take the edge off, but there are MANY other things we can do to get this under control for you". At least she isn't shoving medications down my throat. I made it very clear to her that I want to breast feed until Baby J self weans. If I am in serious need of medication I will consider weaning, but not until every other possible solution has been tried first.
So that's where I am right now. Not in a great place, but still trucking along! I am so happy that I have such a supportive husband (I swear he deals with so much more than ten husbands should have to, and with such a kind heart.) and family and friends. I know it is hard for them to understand where I am coming from sometimes, but they do their best.
I want to be in a better place, so I have to do some work! I don't see it being easy, but I need to do this for me and for my little family. I will be posting my progress here in hopes that it might help someone else who has the same problem as me, as well as to help those closest to me to see where I am coming from. It is all too easy to hide and run from problems like this. It can be embarrassing, but people need to understand that this is a real health issue, just as if I had a broken toe! Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not real.