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I'm not the skinniest of girls, I have lumps and bumps, carry more weight than I probably should and deep down know that I would like to lose 11lbs more.
BUT
I'm not going on any diets, spending hours in the gym all just for ONE day. As much as I wish I could be that girl, I'm not. To be honest, I have been dealing with my own personal goal for the wedding. To be anxiety free. Since having Darcie I have had a strange and horrible feeling that I couldn't figure out what it was. It made me have heart palpitations (which I'm getting now as I write this!!) my stomach fill with knots, my head filled with aches, constantly feeling on edge and the worst one was shortness of breath. As many of you know, I had a traumatic birth with Darcie and at one point I wondered whether or not I had postnatal depression. I was quizzed by a doctor and a midwife and they said I wasn't so I just tried to put it to bed. Once I got myself into a routine, the feelings subsided but then when I had to return to work all these feelings came back and were even worse than before.
I never spoke to anyone about this. Its my one big regret. I let it take hold of me, this strange feeling that I just couldn't understand. I would snap at Jamie for no reason, go to bed with headaches or lay there for an hour whilst the heart palpitations subside. Then on the 13th of February I had a little melt down and started to tell Jamie all these feelings. We started to do a bit of research and came across anxiety. Anxiety can include a number of symptoms such as,
Pounding heart
Sweating
Stomach upset
Dizziness
Diarrhea
Shortness of breath
Tremors
Muscle tension
Headaches
Fatigues
Insomnia
All of which I had suffered, some much more frequent than others. I then started to talk to close friends, who where so very shocked that I had been silently suffering away, they thought I was joking at first! Apparently I'm a good actress.
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I then found quite a lot of mothers had suffered with this and that it was very very common. Immediately I felt at ease. I found reading about other peoples experiences on other blogs very therapeutic. Knowing that I wasn't alone and actually knowing what these symptoms were made me feel better, not completely, but better!
So I decided that after a month and a half of trying to get that dream wedding body I was going to stop (since having Darcie I have lost 2 1/2 stone anyway) and concentrate on being the best possible version of me on the inside.
I still get these feelings now, but nowhere near as much as I did. Now I only feel anxiety when I have a valid reason (well to me) to worry, whereas before it was ALL the time. I feel that now I can recognize the symptoms and can much more easily overcome them. As they say knowledge is power, and in this case I feel it was.
Anxiety is a bit of a taboo subject, probably why I'm feeling anxious writing this, but I feel its something that I just need to share. One, to help me and two, to help others recognize the symptoms, even if it helps just one person that will be enough for me.
I hope I haven't rambled too much! If you have any tips on dealing with anxiety please feel free to leave them in the comments :)
Mummy B xoxox
