I’ve felt a little muted by the tragedies in Boston on Monday; the violence so close to home always rattles me. It’s hard to feel safe anywhere, knowing that humans exist who want to create terror, even in the midst of a celebration of humanity. I’ve been lighting a candle every night and my heart goes out to Boston.
I’m off my meds… again! I was so fed up with the side effects of the Gabapentin and Trazodone, especially the fact that the chemicals were a major trigger for my headache and I could barely move without pulsing, rushing pain in my head on Monday. I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms of cold sweats, increased heart rate, decreased appetite, and that weird high energy that lives in a nervous, nauseous knot in my stomach. I’m, of course, not sleeping more than 4 hours a night, but feeling my body return to a more normal state of being is worth the sleep deprivation, for now. And I instantly dropped 2 pounds to really get me out of that long plateau from last week and the week before. Such an affirmation!
But the sleep deprivation, as we know, cannot continue. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and will ask him to try another med, probably Topamax… it doesn’t hurt that Topamax is a known appetite suppressant, as well as being a sedative and a migraine prevention med. This is only a short term solution, as my ultimate goal is to be drug and headache free. I put in a request to see a neurologist and am hopeful that I can get in to see her soon and she can begin the diagnostic process for my headaches/TBI/insomnia. In the meantime, I will keep trying the meds my psychiatrist prescribes me and keep seeing my chiropractor… he’s amazing for helping me clear up the headaches and backing up my desire to be drug-free. We will also be starting acupuncture for my cervical pain just as soon as the referral comes through from my PCP.
I was feeling pretty blue this weekend, still in the hangover from the drugs, in the midst of a terrible headache, and feeling all around ugly/fat/slow. But I came in to work yesterday, wearing pants I haven’t fit into for a long time, and the comments came pouring in! Hearing several people say “Wow you’ve lost a ton of weight!” made my day. I was already flying high from the withdrawal symptoms, but feeling skinny is the best high around. Yoga was amazing last night (the perfect counter-balance to all my shaky symptoms) and I can’t wait for Pilates tonight. Haven’t eaten a thing so far. And I feel awesome about my decision to “come out” to you all… thank you for being the amazing people I already knew you were! xoxo, geneva.