Writers Block? Or Mental Meltdown?
Honestly, I am not sure if I could tell you which one it is.
For the past 2 days I have sat staring at an empty "new post" page on the screen on my iPad, with the lack of words spilt across the white screen.
The thoughts of things I wanted to say ran laps around my brain knowing that what I wanted to write down we're things that I couldn't tell the world because, it isn't my story to tell.
The passed few days have posed many different situations that I could "spill my guts" about, if only I didn't have to worry that the people involved may read it.
When I originally started this blog I did it to document my journey inside my head. Having all intentions of keeping this "cyber diary" a secret from those I knew and loved while all along telling my story and try to help others while I journalled myself out of this hole. Never having to hide the truth behind the story was one of the things that I greatly looked forward to. I could spit my story out uncensored, not worrying who I would hurt because anyone who read it wouldn't know who it was about or who I was.
But,once I opened my page and put my name on it all that changed. Now, people I know on a personal level read my posts which has slapped the censor band back on my life.
Journalling out my depression and problems has now become next to impossible without someone finding out its about them.
These last few days have been pretty depressing around here. The sun isn't shining quite as bright behind the gray clouds of rain and it was the perfect setting for my overwhelmed mind to once again slide back into my depression.
So much so that, I have decided to go MIA from my personal Facebook account because I can not deal with it right now.
The situation I am currently in is not my story, therefore I can not change the way the book has been written but I hope to be able to change the ending. However, it takes a toll on me mentally to be all I have to be.
While I can not elaborate fully on the situation I will say that it brings out the demons that I am still freshly in battle with and it hurts. Trying to help is what I have to do in this situation but the cost is bringing down my own happiness.
Now here I am in a spout of depression, for no reason other than not being able to handle the stress that is indirectly ad not purposely laid on my shoulders with no way to truly get it out!
This thing I have going on, I know won't last forever and it makes me hopeful that soon I will be able again regain the happiness I just recently achieved for the first time in years. But, till then, I am stuck behind this wall that I had broken down and now started to rebuild.