I’d have thought that with everything I’ve had going on in my life lately that I’d have a treasure trove of things to write about, but I just haven’t been feeling it. Three times in the last 4 or 5 weeks I have sat down to write & the results have been ordinary to say the least; I’m left with 2 drafts that will sit there, never to be completed, & one piece that I discarded within an hour of publishing it. It wasn’t a piece of which I was proud, so I yanked it despite the positive feedback I received during the short time it was visible. Even with the positive feedback & my relief at this particular piece being taken in the context I intended, I was alarmed at the blow to my confidence in relation to being able to write anything of which I could be proud & that people would enjoy reading.
Maybe it’s because of everything I’ve had going on around me that I haven’t been able to find the right head space in which to write something of which I could be proud; to say I’ve been on a ride of the emotional spectrum would be an understatement. In one 7 week period up to the start of June I spent 10 nights in my own bed, a period during which I felt equally enormous amounts of pride, happiness, pressure, relief, confusion, sadness & anxiety. From the personal pride I felt at being part of a team that delivered a great result for my work colleagues to the family sadness, and in my personal case, relief, that goes with the loss of a family member & the anxiety that followed this period that I associated with realising that for the first time in a year I had some time to myself to do absolutely nothing – and I had no fucking idea how to fill that time.
For fear of stating the obvious, things change over time: I know my outlook & general attitude towards life & the things it can throw at you certainly have. For years I tried to build a wall around my emotions & shut people out. I was trying to cultivate this idea that I was some sort of bad arse who didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. In some quarters I succeeded, in most others, thankfully, I was a spectacular failure; once people started to get to know who I was they realised that I wasn’t like that at all, that underneath the facade was someone who cared deeply; it was just the I had enormous difficulty showing it lest my delicate ego be shattered because I would be seen as being a lesser man.
On June 1 we buried my grandmother: I said in my eulogy to her that I always viewed her and my grandfather, who was & remains one of my heroes, as being a package deal and their reuniting was a cause for celebration, not sadness, hence the relief I allude to. When I was asked if I would deliver a eulogy I hesitated, but eventually felt pride in being asked so I went ahead & did it. On the other hand, when I was asked if I would carry her casket & deliver her to her final resting place, I didn’t hesitate & my reasoning was simple: I just wanted to stand beside my father. 10 years ago I may have decided in my immaturity to do otherwise so as to protect the wall I continued to try & build around myself. I’ve heard a lot of people say they would never be a pall bearer again, that they found it too difficult, which is fair enough, I understand that completely. I, however, consider it to have been an absolute privilege to have stood across from my father & delivered my grandmother to her final resting place.
Some time ago I openly questioned which side of the fence I sat on in relation to the Left & Right continuum of politics. Prior to doing so I thought it to be a question I could never answer, however, in the time since, I have come to realize that I most definitely sit to the Left. For me personally, rightly or wrongly, the issues of industrial relations, the carbon tax, border protection & gay marriage are issues that provide a strong foundation to my Leftist views, or at least views that I believe to be in sync with others on the left of the spectrum. Border protection is, unfortunately, a hot issue. For close to 10 years now, much to my disgust, we have viewed border protection as being an issue upon which a government can either win or lose office. For close to 10 years I have sat back & listened to people harp on about these “illegal” immigrants who “jump the queue.” It makes me sick. There is no perfect solution, however, if the Government is to insist on mandatory detention, a policy that was originally introduced with bipartisan support in 1992, I would argue that it be on shore & beholden to a maximum processing period as per the original policy. As for gay marriage, I just don’t get why there is an argument against it at all. Whilst I freely admit to shifting uncomfortably in my seat during Brokeback Mountain (before eventually falling asleep), I am yet to hear a logical argument against gay marriage. There simply isn’t one. Further, it’s no coincidence that the more emotive the policy, the argument against said policy is almost always completely devoid of any logic & reason. As every week passes I become increasingly weary of listening to people wail against “filthy, queue jumping illegals” & “amoral faggots & dykes” who want nothing more than to escape persecution & be given a fair go.
I’ve had so many things swirling around my head in recent times that I’m not even sure I’m making sense. All I do know is that my thoughts of late revolve around the theme of change: how thoughts & opinions can change if we openly question ourselves, how the gift of retrospect affords us the opportunity to grow & mature, how our interpersonal relationships can change over time or even in an instant. As a rule, people don’t like change, but I am fascinated by its premise & the opportunities it can bring if we allow ourselves to embrace it. As far as writing goes, I hope to get my mojo back soon; I really am struggling here, but if there is something that has changed in my reasons or motivation for writing, I will just have to wear it whilst holding out hope that it will lead me down an exciting path that I’m yet to discover. Right now, though, I just need a hot shower & a lay down, I’m spent.
