Your Shoes Smell Like Piss, and Why is It Snowing?

Ya. That is the kind of day it was today.

I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, fresh hot coffee in my cup and it rapidly went awry from there.

My oldest son had a wee hissy fit. We are all entitled, but it never ceases to amaze me how much he is like his father when he does that. That’s my freaking story, shut up.

Once his ass finally left my house…

in a raginglateforworkeventhoughIworkatnoontizzy…

it took me a while to get the good groove back.

I took a few deep breaths, ate a couple of cinnamon rolls, and drank one more cup of piss warm coffee. Did I mention that my coffee maker packed it in? So I have to use my Bodum. It makes great coffee, but it only stays warm for about 20 minutes. That is not nearly long enough for me. I hate nuking it to warm it up, but I will…just not this morning. I have no idea why I didn’t, I despise cold coffee.

Then I decided that in spite of the sunshine that was pouring in my window and making me feel like a totally inadequate house keeper due to the amount of hair and shit you could see on my floor…that I was freezing, and needed to light a fire.

Low and behold, good luck!! There was a big ole piece of wood still smoldering away in the stove, an easy relight. Things were looking up!

I ran the swiffer around the disgusting floor, so I could at least pretend it was clean in here, and hopped in the shower.

All good.

I had some soap orders to get out today, so I got all my stuff together, got the mail out ones packed up and ready to go.

Now the crappy thing about this weather we are having, and by that I mean fall, is that you never know what to wear. Today I didn’t use my common sense. Or a winter jacket.

I mean it was sort of ok when I left, the sun wasn’t shining anymore, it was obviously only shining to make me clean the floors, but by the time I had done my last soap delivery I was freezing. You know the kind of freezing I mean, when you look at other people’s nice warm winter coats and wonder if you can take them to get the coat? Ya that freezing.

I still had to get my youngest child from school and go buy him some shoes.

He came home yesterday in the torrential downpour. He walks home after school, it is about a 15 minute walk from the bus stop. Did I mention it was raining torrentially?

I didn’t go pick him up from the bus. Probably not my best trait as a mother. I have little sympathy. The boy needs exercise, he gets very little, and I am pretty sure he doesn’t melt. Besides that, I was cooking when he was walking home, in my pajamas, in my nice warm house.

Ok, I feel a little bad.

But when he got home, it got worse.

He informed me, that he needed new shoes. Not surprising in itself, he is a teenager that grows about a foot a month. He said that no, it wasn’t because they were too small, but because the bottom of the damn shoes were cracked right across…and they leaked. Ya think?

Now I am not sure how he didn’t notice this was going on a little before they started to have a nonexistent bottom, but that is what boys do, they ignore stuff.

So today was the day.

Now my son is a nightmare to take shopping for anything. He hates shopping, like I hate washing my floors.

So we go to Payless.

As we were standing in the aisle, I could smell cat pee, I sniffed him. Now I recommend sniffing your child subtly, not like I did it, teenagers don’t like being sniffed.

But the pee smell was definitely all him. I asked him if one of his jackets (he had the forethought to wear two coats) had been left where the cat could pee on it. Not that my cat does that, she doesn’t that I know of, but it definitely stunk like it…he said nope.

Well we would figure that out when we got home, there was nothing I could really do in the store except stand well back.

Back to shopping…there is nothing that fits him, or that he likes, we decide to try Walmart. Now that is even worse. He is between a size 10 and 10 1/2. There are a million shoes there. Just none he likes, that are in his size. I will admit I got bored for a few minutes and went and looked at boots and left him on his own. He is 16 DAMMIT…he needs to pick his own damn shoes.

Well he was nearly done by the time I came back over, finally out of desperation and me threatening to take him to Zellers if he didn’t find anything, he finds two pairs that cut it…he picks one. He gets some comfy cozy pair of insoles, and we are outta there!

Right directly into a torrential snowstorm, and me with no clothes. Well not enough clothes, and stupid runners. That were made for summer.

Dumbass.

Thank goodness we live close and we didn’t have to drive far in the muck with the other buttheads that aren’t ready for the first slush fall of the year.

We get home and I tell Colton that the clothes need to head directly to the washing machine, while he is checking the pockets for loot and probably vodka, I am bringing in some wood to stoke up the fire, and once again get a whiff of the cat pee.

I am twenty feet away from Colton and the coats…but his shoes are right beside me.

I pick up the shoe, I think I know what the culprit is. I smell…I gag. I pick up the shoes and throw them in the garbage can.

It must have been a mix of sweaty boy feet, and super wet soles from this morning. But the world needs to be rid of that smell forever.

The kid says, “why didn’t you just wash them?”

Well dude, there are things that are just not worth the effort sometimes, this is one of those times. I just can’t chance that the smell of those shoes will end up in my front loader for a month, or for an hour for that matter.

“What if I need those shoes??”

Well honey, you won’t, ever. And if you do, I will suck up the $40 and we will go buy you another pair at Walmart…

It’s going to be another three days before that smell leaves my brain.

It’s kinda like a bad boyfriend, you know they have to go, because you just can’t handle it anymore, but you think maybe you can get one more use out of them.

Well I am here to tell you, that it never works out, it is never what you hoped for, and it is really hard to get that bad taste out of your mouth afterwards.