When I think back trying to piece together the How and Why this happened, I can’t help but think about the intimacy, or should I say, the lack of intimacy in our relationship. But am I totally at fault? I mean he always said “I’m tired.”
“I’m Tired”
I knew we had drifted apart in bed but not to the point of separating. He always said he was tired from work and yet, at first I did not want to believe him, but after being rejected over and over, I finally convinced myself he was indeed tired.
One sexless night lead to another and another and before I knew it, a year had passed. How is this even possible that this man does not want sex, even after me propositioning him? I’ve never been rejected in my life by a man. I was confused, upset, and at my wit’s end.
“I’m Tired” he says
After being rejected over and over, I finally gave up. It didn’t even seem to bother Matthew, even after asking him “Why” over and over again.
Before I knew it, two years have passed. He became more withdrawn, cold, and cranky yet never said a word about what was bothering him. When asked if something was wrong, he always said “Nothing.” How can you make someone tell you what is wrong; especially when they keep saying “Nothing”?
“I’m tired” he says
As our anniversary neared, there was pretty much no closeness at all, no intimacy whatsoever. The only intimacy happening is that in my dreams and it was never Matthew. It was always an unknown male figure who was full of passion and emotion; so unlike my Matthew.
I was suspicious of “something” being wrong in our relationship yet I just didn’t know what. This man I loved despite the withdrawal and rejection was not the same one I married. What was going on in Matthew’s head? Was it me? Is it him? Is there someone else?
“Is there someone else?”
That was the question that I really did not want the answer to because I feared there was. Something was wrong and I needed an answer, regardless what it may be or how devastating it may be.
Now I sit here devastated and going reliving the past several years in my head. What did I miss? How is it possible I was oblivious to what was happening? I was still in a state of confusion, trying to pull answers out of him and find answers in myself.
Why couldn’t Matthew just be man enough to tell me he was unhappy and just not
“I’m tired” ……..
~~Betrayed | I’m Tired
Previous installments ~ Betrayed
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