Urban Ambience

Holy shit, what a time I’ve had over the last month.
I had to go back and read my last entry to gauge where I was in relation to where I am now, and I hadn’t realized how much time has elapsed since then. I’ve been busy, but not in relation to anything that I put in my last entry. The portfolio has had a tiny bit of work done to it, but not very much. The more I write and research, the more great ideas come up. I’ve been going back through my old journals and scribblings, and picking up ideas that I’d consigned to storage, and looking at them through new eyes. I’m researching more, and (re?) building a network of friends whom I can rely on to help me out when I need it. A large part of the last month has been spent on Skype and Steam, talking to friends who had been out of touch, and just working through a lot of the issues and loneliness that I’ve been having lately. I’m finding myself busier than I was when I was working, all that time ago, and unlike a regular job the days off come when you need them and the days on happen when you can do them. Weekends mean nothing to me these days. Come nightfall or public holidays, I’m still doing the same sorts of things I do on a normal day. But when I want to, be it mid week or weekend, I can tune out for a day or two and rest up, happy that I’ve made some progress in my ‘work period’. It’s been a bit of a challenge lately because I’m yet to really see any tangible benefit to what I’m doing, beyond the enrichment of my own impoverished cultural and mental faculties, and perhaps a bit of schedule keeping in the extended period of unemployment that I’m in. That’s been good, because if I was to cut myself loose and become the typical Jobless Bum, I’d more than likely find myself back in a depressive state of mind that would work against me. Having said that, the ‘tangible’ reasons I mentioned – namely, financial gain – have yet to materialize.
I guess from that, you can glean, dear reader, that I didn’t hang onto the job I mentioned in my last post. I lasted a grand total of two days at it, and I’d had enough.
I’ve been involved with Amway in the past, and this job touted a lot of the same things – ‘Earn heaps of cash, have an awesome time doing it, and build your own business!’ is the skinny version. I don’t have a problem with either Amway or what this latest little outing is doing. They seem legit, and though they don’t subscribe to a ‘normal’ business model, I don’t think they’re quite as crooked as a lot of people make them out to be. They’re certainly not scams like some of the reviews I’ve read on them are. The problem lies in their checkered past and the way they market themselves, which is a gaping hole in the model of an organization that relies on people marketing themselves in order to be successful. When I was into Amway (for all of three weeks), during two formal meetings and numerous other interactions with the person who was my connection, never once was the name Amway mentioned. Pretty much the first inkling I had of what I was actually selling came at signup time when the form was put on the table. Even though the alarm bells rang, I decided to give it a go and signed up, but it wasn’t to last. I’m not a retail extraordinaire, and if I was totally honest with myself, I’d say that I just can’t sell. The product is good, I just can’t be stuffed putting in the hard yards making someone want something they don’t initially want. I don’t like it when people get in my face to do that sort of thing, so I’m not going to do it to someone else. As for the job I’ve just (a month ago now) had, the product was different, but the strategy was the same. The first day I went around with another young guy, who was quite nice and motivated and amicable enough, but was very into telling me how to do things, which was hard for me because we were different people. I’m pretty down the line. Instead of the script I’d been given – which, research reveals, has a few outright lies in it – I basically said to people ‘look we’re about helping people, and was wondering if you’d like to help as well’. I know that’s not a great tactic to use, but as I’ve said, that’s how I’d want it to be put to me. I might be a bit more abrupt than other people but I wasn’t really keen on reeling off a bunch of figures that I couldn’t clarify myself to people who usually looked like they didn’t want me in their place of work in the first place. The young guy I was with on that first day wasn’t very keen on my style, which was at odds with what his boss had told me about ‘don’t copy his style, just copy his enthusiasm. Be yourself and if the people like you, they’ll sign up with you.’ It was a bit confusing and I felt under the pump, which didn’t make me feel too flash. The second day I was on my own and talked to just short of seventy people and didn’t make any money so I decided it wasn’t for me. I gave it a shot and though two days might not seem like much of one, I had better things to be doing and I was already getting pretty negative about it. I felt like I was wasting my time, and not even for any sort of gain. At best it was a chance to make a bit of money to help me along, which isn’t what I’m about these days. I need something that can support me and give me peace of mind, not something that I have to put heaps of effort into that may or may not pay off. It was a learning experience, but that was it. My advice to anyone with this sort of thing on the table is to consider two things; first, whether or not you can actually sell things. If you can’t then it’s not worth your time. Second, if you can handle a lot of knockbacks – because you’ll get them. If you’ve got the attitude to handle that, and you can bring people in and have them sign up with you, then it’d be a great job.
I’ve been having a lot of reflective periods lately, and it’s been good. I’ve come to realize in the larger scheme of things, I can be a real bastard sometimes. I’ve hurt people, both physically and emotionally, and I have a big number of regrets. I haven’t said things that I’ve meant when I’ve wanted to, and I’ve said things I didn’t mean to people I didn’t care about. I realize this is all a bit obtuse in the context of a blog, but for the time being, I’m still sorting myself out. I’ll get around to examples a bit later on. For now, it’s enough for me to say that I’m finally actually becoming aware of myself in a sharper context than some half formed idea that I haven’t really had time to review since before I became a big boy and dealt with a few traumatic relationships. I am aware that this probably makes me sound a bit stupid/psychotic, but I guess this is what happens when you spend extended amounts of time considering your relation to the World of Real Things after a hiatus of years upon years. I’ve been aware that I’m not an angel by any stretch of the imagination, but until recently I haven’t been aware of quite how that’s been the case – at least, on some levels. I’ve always been aware that my porn consumption is probably slightly over healthy levels, and that I’m prone to fits of silliness and drunkenness that probably make planning a night out with me a bit more of an effort than it should, but the lying by omission and pointless mindgames I’ve indulged in in the past mark me out (at least to myself) as a bit of an arsehole. I know the reasons why I do these things, and I’m not saying that my reasons make it okay for me to carry on like I have been. I guess really I’m still at the point of figuring out exactly how bad the damage is to myself – once I’ve ascertained that, maybe I can go about making amends to those who didn’t deserve it that I’ve hurt in the past. Until that point though I’m still having to deal with the fallout of what I am and the shit that it’s caused me. I didn’t want to be in this sort of a situation at this point in my life but then I wonder how many peoples’ lives always go according to plan. It’s just a very dense point in time for me, both internally and externally, and I’m hoping that my support network, which is limited to a few trusted friends these days, can help me deal with the fallout from these periods of thought.
This has become a bit of a novel but in light of what’s been happening lately I think I needed to get in and just go nuts a bit. I’ll write again soon.
Peace.