Or Iron LADIES. #pimpinestguyever #sofuckingclassy
Photo courtesy of ugo.com
Well I'm here to help you all avoid being one of those people. Here are my predictions for the 5 Halloween costumes everyone will be doing this year:
1. Miley Cyrus Twerker
My favorite part is the giraffe horns.
Photo courtesy of zap2it.com
Everyone will fucking do this. Paris Hilton did it last year:
Photo courtesy of extratv.com
...but that doesn't mean it won't be more of a sensation this year. Look, it's only September 19th and they're already sold out of it some places:
HalloweenCostumes.com
Don't be Miley Cyrus this year. It won't be worth it.
2. Elsa
Everyone with eyes saw Disney's latest hit Frozen, which came out in November of last year. The music from the movie topped the charts for the first 13 weeks of 2014, and the internet was inundated with "Let it Go" covers.
...including some really awful ones.
The ice queen, Elsa, has been a super-popular character. I cannot explain to you how many "how to do your hair like Elsa" tutorials I saw on Pinterest this year.
Step One: braid it. Step Two: that's it.
You might think it will only be little kids you will have to worry about being matchy-matchy with, but check this out:
...so don't bother.
3. Maleficent
Photo courtesy of Yahoo.com
Maleficent came out in May, and despite being much less of a hit than expected, it drew in a pretty strong fan base. Angelina Jolie played the misunderstood villain, and as much as everyone loves a misunderstood villain, they especially love Angelina Jolie in sexy weird witch costumes with crazy hats.
So look out. If you're thinking about buying this costume:
Notice it's sold out.
PartyCity.com
...or this one:
Also sold out.
HalloweenCostumes.com
...or this one:
...don't.
4. Groot
It's not so much that I think everyone is going to be Groot (the absolute best character in 2014's Guardians of the Galaxy). It's more that I think lots of people will do it, and they'll almost all do it badly. If you are like a fucking fantastic cosplayer and can make it look badass, please do it.
This is what I mean by "badass Groot costume."
By Calen Hoffman, found on Tumblr.
If not, don't even try, and definitely don't buy some shitty $30 one from a costume store, like this one:
From buycostumes.com
5. Anyone from Orange is the New Black
Yes, season 2 of OITNB has been just as awesome as season 1 was, and yes, it will be tempting to dress up as one of the characters just like everyone did last year.
The Santa Cruz Police even got on board. Not kidding.
And we can't forget Julianne Hough's EPIC FAIL when she donned blackface of all fucking things to dress up as Crazy Eyes (and it wasn't even a good imitation):
Photo courtesy of nydailynews.com
Even if you don't decide to go with irony like the police department or racism like Julianne Hough, this is old and tired and you will probably regret it when you're not the only one in an orange jumpsuit and some subtle "defining characteristic" like "ooh red lipstick, I'm Lorna!" or "a blonde stripe in my hair, I'm Daya!"
Give up.
Instead of any of these things, try one of the following:
*Get a top hat, grow your hair out and don't wash it for a week or two, put pale makeup on your face, and wear some weird old-fashioned suit or something to be Jack White. Extra points if you have a friend who will cut her bangs too short and wear a tiny red dress and white platforms to be Meg White.
Photo courtesy of nme.com
*Beetlejuice. It's never a bad idea and you can be gross and obnoxious and get away with it.
Ugh.
*If you can find yellow plaid, do Clueless. Someone does it every year, but it never gets old and is 100% recognized by anyone over the age of 21, and you'll hardly run into 15 other Chers and Dionnes in 2014.
*Put your underwear over your shorts, stitch a Q onto a tshirt, and clip a red towel to your shoulders. BAM. Quailman from Doug.
Doug property of Nickelodeon
*If all else fails, be a goddamn witch or princess or Superman or something. You'll be happier with something generic than with some shit that you think will be awesome and original and turns out to be the Halloween fad of the year!
What are you planning on being this year? Any more costumes you think will be big fads?
